I don’t tend to post personal reflections here, or in any kind of prose. As a songwriter, the more personal threads tend to weave themselves through songs…when I’m writing, at least, and that’s been a world full of tumbleweeds lately, so hopefully that will change, and soon.
But occasionally the personal blends with the political.
This evening, I again received a friend request and note from someone I knew about ten years ago. The specific details of the story are not important, but this is a person who chose to play a role when I came out of the closet, and ended up hurting my family in the process. She, most likely, is blissfully unaware of the harm she caused, and the way it rippled through our family dynamics over the years. She comes from the conservative, evangelical side of the spectrum. Unfortunately “those people” are often too absorbed in their interpretation of reality, smitten with their ideology, that they fail to see the human beings in front of them as human beings. Also unfortunately, they are often unaware of the predatory nature of their actions, because their actions are informed by a worldview that is so deeply ingrained in them and everyone they know.
This person saw a grieving mother (whom she didn’t really know), and poured salt in the wound by exposing her to people and false ideas that still, ten years later, inform a piece of the current estrangement in my family.
This is not about blame. I wish I, at nineteen, had been emotionally available and adult enough to provide a cushion and a gentle spirit when it was needed.
This is not about forgiveness or harboring grudges, either. I wish this person only the best.
But she does not deserve access to my life.
I again denied the friend request.
We’ll call it tough love in action.*
Perhaps she will forget about it and go about her life. Or perhaps she’ll realize that her “How you doin?!” notes have elicited no response, that her requests for reconnection have been ignored, and it will cause her to mull over the question: Why?
And maybe she’ll find her answer.
*Yes, that was a hint, you are so smart!
(Cross-posted at Break The Terror)
As an episcopal clergyman, I understand a community with both liberal and conservative actors. Yes, your observation that many right wing theocratic evangelicals separate their beliefs from human beings is astute. I also believe that the most charitable or loving response at present is silence. Later, maybe, you might want to write a positive letter to her informing her about the pain and anguish that her actions produced. In this email, I would reference pro-GLBT Christian websites that she might peruse with possible outcomes.
Most of the time, the person does not read it. Or, they read it, and quickly return to anti-GLBT websites for “refutation”. Sometimes, and although rare, the person is “inspired by the Holy Spirit” to understand that there is a difference between what Scripture “says” and what Scripture “reads”…..between what is called ” biblical literalism” and “biblical contextualism” .
As liberal GLBT Christians, we are not exempt from the Great Decalogue…love of God and love of neighbour as ourselves. However, love of neighbour does not mean emotional masochism at the hands of homophobic theocrats.
I agree with Rev. Decelles-Smith. However, I think you need to write her now. Don’t rip her to shreds, just state the facts. And let her know that this is the reason you are refusing her request to be friends. Ignoring her tells her nothing and she will not understand your very good reasons. But you need to do it when you feel you are ready to do it in a constructive manner. If it’s just a negative tirade, it will accomplish nothing. As a Christian gay man, I advise that you forgive her after you tell her why you are angry and hurt. Forgiving her does not mean you must allow her to harm you or your family any further. It can also mean you forgive her and move on to better things; thereby removing any power she has to continue making clouds in your life. Bless you on your journey.
Michael, I’m disinclined to respond at all, and here’s why:
Aside from that brief period that this woman inserted herself into our lives, ten years ago, she wasn’t an integral figure in my life. She was more the busybody mother of a friend.
And as I said in the piece, this isn’t about anger or pain or forgiveness or any of that. I’ve moved on. But the greater point is that we are here for a short time, and that, I believe, the best response to negative influences in life is sometimes simply silence. I think many of us spend way too much time fighting battles with people we’d be better off simply ignoring.
Maybe it’s my age (mid-forties) but I agree with Evan.
Life is too short to be wasted on unnecessary drama with persons who are virtual strangers. People like this woman often create drama in order to make themselves the center of others’ attention. She may have changed in the ensuing years, but who cares?