In the Navy, they sometimes joke, “It’s not gay if you’re underway.”

Perhaps for George Rekers, it’s more like “It’s not gay if you’re in Spain. With a male prostitute. Getting sexytime massages.”

Admittedly, it’s not catchy, but I don’t know that we should expect “catchy” from George Rekers.

Anyway, he gave an interview to Christianity Today, where he “explained himself”:

“With the assistance of a defamation attorney, I will fight these false reports because I have not engaged in any homosexual behavior whatsoever,” Rekers said in a statement. “I am not gay and never have been.”

We get it, George. You don’t like using the term “gay.” In your worldview, it implies a whole set of “chosen” behaviors, and you don’t even listen to Liza Minnelli. (Or do you?) So, you’re a totally, 1000 million percent heterosexual dude who just happens to get boners when prostitutes who advertise on, who you have hired, give you “the long stroke.” We get it.

Rekers’s website states that he “was not involved in any illegal or sexual behavior with his travel assistant.” The statement says, “Dr. Rekers found his recent travel assistant by interviewing different people who might be able to help…

How many prostitutes did he interview until he found the perfect one?

“This rentboy is TOO BIG!”

“This rentboy is TOO SMALL!”

“This rentboy is THREE BEARS! No.”

“Look! This one is just right!”

In a follow-up e-mail to Christianity Today, Rekers said that his wife will be retiring soon and will accompany him on trips when their sons are unavailable.

Um, if he’s so straight, why doesn’t he just go on trips with his wife? Why is she the travel companion of last resort?

“I confessed to the Lord and to my family that I was unwise and wrong to hire this travel assistant after knowing him only one month before the trip and not knowing whether he was more than a person raised in a Christian home,” Rekers said. “I also confessed to the Lord and to my family the sin of thereby putting myself into a vulnerable situation where I tragically became subject to false allegations.”

Um, I didn’t see “more than a person raised in a Christian home” in Jo-Vanni Roman’s advertisement. And have you ever seen a more lame confession? “Dear Jesus: I am so sorry that I have committed the sin of not knowing that people might think I was doing something untoward by hiring a male prostitute. Also I am sorry that others are saying mean things about me, Lord. Please forgive me.”

And, um, didn’t the contract between Rekers and Roman, which specified the duration and the frequency of the nakey massages, air on CNN? Oh, yes, I think it did.

Rekers said he is being advised by a team of three Christian counselors. “And I have committed myself to ongoing meetings with an experienced pastor and counselor from my church, so I can more fully understand my weaknesses and prevent this kind of unwise decision-making in the future.”

I bet those pastors and counselors are smoking hot.

Anyway, whatever. If Rekers does decide to file defamation charges, it should be entertaining. Discovery will probably provide more than a few laughs, and besides, the argument that calling someone “gay” is defamation is not doing so well in the courts these days.

(h/t Joe)