The Onion has done it again, with an opinion piece called “Honey, Will You Make Me The Happiest Deeply-In-Denial Closeted Homosexual On Earth?”
Honey, will you say yes and make me the happiest closeted homosexual on earth?
From the moment I first saw you I knew you were the woman I’d waited my whole life to shamefully hide my true self behind. And all this time later, if it’s possible, I’m even more in denial about my unshakable sexual attraction to men than I was the day we met. I’ve thought a lot about the person I want to walk hand-in-hand with down this long, painful road of denial and deception that I have paved for myself—and that person, sweetheart, is you.
Oh, my dear Nicole, these past eight months have been like a dream! A sick, delusional, ultimately life-ruining dream! The nights we’ve spent strolling in the park talking about the details of our day together have been the most gratifying, platonic times I’ve ever known. And when we’re together, every single fiber of my being knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are the one person I want to be my daily reminder of the urges and desires I violently stifle in a never-ending cycle of guilt and self-hatred.
I promise to do my best every single day to provide for you, build a life for us, and treat you not as a lover—no, Jesus no, never that—but as my closest pal who is by no means of the gender I truly yearn for.
The Onion is funny because it’s all true in some way or another.