This is Tyler playing at his home church in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Is this one of the places Tyler internalized the message that his true self was evil, something to be deeply ashamed of?
Breaks my heart.
Feel free to cry.
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I am not sure why Tyler’s suicide has struck me so hard. And so many – 5 that we know of in the last few days.
I recall being so depressed in my senior year of high school that I considered suicide. I was fortunate in not having heard the spate of negative things from church or family or society that have been with us in more recent years. But I knew I liked guys and was struggling with guilt and with keeping my feelings a secret.
I wonder not only about what was going on in Tyler’s mind that he felt there was no way out other than suicide, and what was going on in the minds of the people who taped his private sexual behavior with another guy and then released the videos to public view. But I wonder about the guy who was taped with Tyler. I wonder how he feels having also been taped for public consumption without his knowledge. And I wonder how he feels about Tyler’s suicide. I wonder if he too is suffering and whether he has anyone to help him.
What was a private act between two gay men was made a joke. What was sacred was profaned.
Some years ago when Matthew Shepard was murdered I wrote the local Catholic newspaper and the local archbishop asking them to address the violence that was happening to gay youths and to condemn it in very strong terms. I told them that they were spending their time condemning gay lovemaking but not the violence against gay youths. Their responses were bland to say the least. They never did address the violence against Matthew and so many others.
I am glad I came of age in the fifties and sixties before the international campaigns against gay people became so organized and virulent. Whatever I have done through private conversations with family members and friends, whatever I have said in counseling sessions with clients, whatever things I have done through letters to politicians, religious leaders and newspapers, whatever I have done in public demonstrations or appearances has been done with the eye to making at least some small impact so that the youths of today and tomorrow are spared some suffering and are freer to be who they are and to flourish as openly lesbian and gay people.
I hope the day comes in my lifetime or in the lives of the generation after me when LGBT youths can grow up with support and respect for who they are, free from the incessant oppression that has been a cancer in our society and our public institutions.
After I posted my last comment I thought of a couple final things I wanted to write. Things really do get better. They got much better for me. I found a wonderful counselor who let me talk and work through lots of issues, not only issues around my sexuality. I found Dignity and a community of gay people who taught me what it was to be a gay adult. I found a lot of books and articles that gave me good information. I came out to friends and family members and coworkers. I found men to love who also loved me.
Times have changed from when I was a high school and college student. Though our enemies have become more virulent, we have become more empowered as a community and the times and tides are changing. I hope the days also are limited that our youths will have to continue to face hatred and scorn for who they are.
There is one other thing that I have come to learn – just how resilient we are as people despite the oppression. We have survived the bleakest times and will continue to survive and even to thrive. I encourage all youths to whom suicide seems the only option to hold on. We need you and your talents. You can find happiness and love.
Wayne, you are doing great work. And Dan Savage is doing a wonderful thing with his Things Get Better initiative.
Of COURSE that’s where he learned self-loathing. Christianity, as it is widely practiced in this country is notoriously effective at delivering the message that simply being born human is an eternally damnable crime… coupled with the teaching that it doesn’t matter how good a person you are, you’re still going to hell if your brain doesn’t contain the correct biochemical pathways (i.e. belief in God, a.k.a. The Ultimate Cosmic Bully who damns you for having enough rational thought to see him for the fiction he is)…
Add to that fundamentalist hysteria about anything LGBT – of COURSE that’s PRECISELY where he learned it.
Honestly, there are days I wonder how I survived my OWN born-again upbringing. Atheism is most probably what saved MY life.
I would like to say to those who think that they cannot reconcile their homosexuality with their religion, Jesus Christ. Christianity is a very intolerant religion. Threatening “sinners” with hell if they don’t obey what the bible says. Neither God nor Jesus wrote the bible. The bible was written by man. Hell is a myth perpetuated to keep the ‘flock’ in line. Gays are born gay as surely as straights are born straights To those who think homosexuality can be cured, prayed out, or think it’s a choice, are delusional religious zealots. They are the ones who need to be prayed for.
The shame for Tyler, a quiet and sensitive boy for his most intimate private moments seen by the “whole world”, must have been incredible. It was the shame of being naked, and seen having sex, exposing him to be gay. He could not face life anymore, for how could he face people knowing that they could be laughing behind his back, joking about his naked pictures, and making fun of him. It was made far worst because he was gay and the shame it brought being exposed.
Tyler may also have had difficulty to face his family, as the news would have spread and soon everyone in town would have known about the video. He would have been forced to admit to his family that he was gay. Many gay man would have taken years to be out to themselves, then to their friends and finally to their family. Through this video, Tyler would have faced an amazing rush of emotions, shame, and self condemnation that many would have taken decades to reconcile their sexual orientation with, yet Tyler had to come to terms with it overnight. He probably had committed suicide because he could not face himself, his friends, and family.
Tyler was said to be a quiet boy, and often we are quiet because we have the core of our being – our sexual orientation to hide that it really damages our emotions and restricts us. We are made to be inward looking and self-conscious vary of what others may say because of our sexual orientation. This self consciousness can kill us emotionally if all our secrets are revealed even the pictures of us naked in bed. Gays often suffer from incredible shame.
Tyler apparently attended Grace Church which is part of the Willow Creek Association, a group of evangelical conservative churches. Having internal conflicts between our faith and sexual orientation amplifies the incredible emotional turmoil, self condemnation, and shame.
In Soulforce visit to Bill Hybel’s Willow Creek Church, it talks of a church willing to engage with the GLBT community and having a very warm and welcoming atmosphere. Yet, it does not change the core reality as reminded by Berry Schmidt an elder at Willow Creek who said that “Willow as a hospitable congregation, even though the church does not accept gay and lesbian members who don’t stay celibate.”.
Therefore, it was sex that is the main issue. The sex video of Tyler with another man not only would have outed him to the church but also having sex. If Tyler had been outed for being gay (without the sex part), he probably would still be accepted and there would be a period of soul searching by the family. However, the issue of sex would have made it far worst for Tyler to come to terms with.
Tyler Clementi had posted a Facebook status saying “Jumping off the gw bridge sorry,” after the broadcast of his sexual encounter. He may have been saying sorry to his friends and family for the hurt and shame that he thought he would be giving them. Yet, it was the toxic and homophobic environment at the university and at church that had probably prevented a sensitive young man from coming out. It is so important to turn the shame into being proud of how God has created us.
What seems to be tearing my heart in half the most is that, the more that I read of this poor kid’s story, the more I feel as though I’m looking into a mirror, right down to the church orchestra thing (I played trumpet at my grandmother’s church [Church of God, Cleveland TN] which, if it says anything about her beliefs, she’s practically in love with Glenn Beck…). Thankfully my family and I were Christmas/Easter Catholics until I started high school and was dead certain about my sexuality. I can’t begin to imagine the psychological and spiritual damage that I could have endured had I grown up hearing all the bile being spewed from the Pentecostal pulpit. Hell, it still managed to keep me locked in the closet all through high school. I generally consider myself to be a follower of Christ, NOT a Christian, as the two are completely separate beliefs to me. Nowadays, I’m a happily out college student (majoring in music education at Eastern Michigan, since I am a firm believer in the idea that music often speaks more clearly to a person’s soul than any words possibly can).
Looking back on the events of the past few weeks, I have begun to thank God every day for my supportive friends, because I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. I know I can trust them enough to tell them anything. Often that’s all that it takes to save someone’s life; having someone beside you whom you can confide in. And to anybody who feels that they are also stuck in Tyler’s shoes, I can tell you that, yes, it does get better. I’ll leave you with a passage of music from Helen Reddy’s “Candle on the Water” from Pete’s Dragon (back when Disney movies were actually good) which, though written in a different context, I believe fits this message perfectly:
“Keep holding on, you’ll make it.
Here’s my hand so take it.
Look for me reaching out to show,
As sure as rivers flow,
I’ll never let you go.”