Are you watching the Republican debate tonight? I am, for unknown reasons! Let us watch it together and live-blog it!
8:04: They are introducing themselves! They look like they are on a game show. They are introducing themselves now. Santorum says he has lots of kids, Bachmann one-ups him by having more kids, Romney is a Mormon, Ron Paul one ups them ALL by delivering 4000 babies, right there, on stage! Newt Gingrich wins by having the most wives. Pawlenty says something or another. Herman Cain has grandkids! Okay, now everybody knows each other.
8:08: Herman Cain, out the gate, says the Obama administration is putting all of the stimulus money in the caboose! Rick Santorum always looks like he is going to cry. Why are you so sad, Rick Santorum?
8:12: Ask Michele Bachmann a question! It’s time for crazy eyes! Mitt Romney just informed the moderator that this is an important topic, the economy, and please stop trying to cut him off! Michele Bachmann is making her formal announcement, at a presidential debate, that she is running for president! That was a handy way to avoid answering the hard question about the economy that was posed to her.
8:15: Michele Bachmann, as “presinidedstates,” will repeal ObamaCare! Is she drunk?
8:18: Mitt Romney will repeal the ObamaCares as well, even though his plan in Massachusetts was virtually identical! This is because he doesn’t really have principles or beliefs. Tim Pawlenty is very shy about talking smack about Mitt Romney to his face. Why you won’t talk about it now, T-Paw?
8:23: Non teabagger, non crazy eyes Republican asks this line of wingnuts how they’ll convince normal, non-wingnuts to vote for them. Rick Santorum is grunting something completely unrelated. It’s almost sad watching him lose in real time.
8:25: Hahahahaha, a voter just asked how these Republicans will bring manufacturing jobs back to the United States! America doesn’t make things anymore, silly!
8:28: Tim Pawlenty was in a union?! Shuuuuuun! That won’t play well with wingnuts!
8:33: Herman Cain believes in Right to Work. Lord. I get the sense that they’re just parroting each others’ talking points. Speaking of Herman Cain, I am going to order a pizza now!
8:34: Rick Santorum does not watch Leno or Conan! He is too busy Googling his own name.
8:37: Michele Bachmann answers the question “Elvis or Johnny Cash” correctly: BOTH.
8:41: How is it that Republicans were okay with TARP when Bush was doing it, but not now?! Oh, no principles, I forgot. Mitt Romney: please explain how the very successful auto industry bailouts were not successful. Answer: Word salad.
8:43: I am very distracted right now by the myriad choices offered on the pizza-ordering website. This is because of the free market, that I have all of these choices! Michele Bachmann was one of the only ones who was against TARP at all times!
8:45: Why does President Obama hate spaceships, and what will these wingnuts do to make space awesome again? Newt Gingrich says that America is not a developed country. Wut, we are not #1 in everything? That is a very bad thing to say to Republicans!
8:48: Should the government inspect food for safety? Herman Cain says yes! This protects pizza freedom at Godfather’s, you see. Glad that they haven’t gone that far to the right yet.
8:51: Newticles watches American Idol! He just lost the very important Dancing With The Stars constituency.
8:54: Ron Paul uses the Blackberry, not the iPhone. INCORRECT.
8:56: Let us talk about how Republicans are going to kill MediCare now! Ron Paul says maybe if we stop spending stupid money on the military industrial complex, we could afford MediCare just fine. CORRECT.
8:59: Newt Gingrich calmly explaining that the Paul Ryan plan to kill MediCare is maybe not that great? This idea is very popular with the American people, actually. Rick Santorum still likes the Kill MediCare program, though!
9:01: Oh, now we are going to talk about how Republicans should kill Social Security. Ask Ron Paul again! He’s really good at being oh-so-right, yet oh-so-wrong on these sorts of issues. Instead talking to Herman Cain about how killing Social Security is awesome.
9:03: Blah blah insanity about not raising the debt ceiling. My pizza is on its way, Herman Cain!
9:07: OOH. They’re talking about the separation of church and state now! Pawlenty says church and state separation was made to protect people of faith from government, not the other way around! This is a very wingnut way of looking at it! Especially right now, because as we learned in the Associated Press yesterday, people of faith are the new victims!
9:10: Poor Michele Bachmann did not get to answer the Jesus question. Now asking Herman Cain about his statement that he would not appoint a Muslim, and does he think that Muslims are less American than other religions? He is clarifying that he would simply not appoint a murderous Muslim to a post in his administration. And now he’s doing his pants-wetting thing about shari’a law, which plays well to the wingnuts.
9:13: Mitt Romney pours water on the freakouts over shari’a law. Newt Gingrich also will not appoint any traitorous murderers to his administration! The fact that they are talking about this is silly. Most importantly, Herman Cain likes deep dish pizza!
9:20: Mitt Romney likes his BBQ spicy! Let’s ask Michele Bachmann about marriage equality! Oh god. How does Michele Bachmann square her belief in states’ rights with her opposition to all things gay except for Glee? Would she try to repeal state laws that give gays the right to marry? No, she would not! Herman Cain says marriage should be a state issue, but Pawlenty is playing the wingnut card by supporting a federal marriage amendment! How did Pawlenty just one-up Bachmann on anti-gay hate? Ron Paul thinks government should stay out of marriage. Romney thinks we need a constitutional amendment, and so does Frothy Mix! Oh wait, now Michele Bachmann is butting back in and saying “WAIT I HATE GAYS THE MOST YOU GUYS!” or something.
9:25: Herman Cain would not try to reinstate DADT! Pawlenty doesn’t really know. They all sort of hate that it’s been repealed, but Santorum is the only one who will waste America’s time hating the gays who serve in the military. NOW abortion! Frothy Mix will not put his anti-woman views on the backburner as president! Mitt Romney is totally “pro-life,” you guys.
9:29: Bachmann says all this talk about abortions to save the mother’s life or in cases of rape is just a distraction. Right. Now a LEGAL immigrant is asking how we can deal with illegal immigration, and Frothy Mix reveals that he is the child of an immigrant. Or maybe grandson or something. I do not know, my pizza just came and the dogs started barking a lot.
9:32: Herman Cain taking the very normal wingnut stand that children of illegal immigrants should not be considered citizens. Yes, this is what one of our political parties believes now. Tim Pawlenty knows this issue because he is the governor of a state on the very dangerous border between the United States and Canada.
9:34: Newt Gingrich is yelling about controlling our borders, and I think Ron Paul just did a little dance?
9:37: Strange conversation about eminent domain, with Mitt Romney stating that eminent domain is okay if it’s for a public purpose, but not for private corporations. This seems to be a very non-Republican way of looking at it?
9:38: Tim Pawlenty drinks Coke, not Pepsi!
9:43: Man with three children in Navy asks can we please bring the troops home from Afghanistan now? Romney says thank you to the voter for his sons and their sacrifice! He wins, because the other candidates will have to now waste their time thanking the guy instead of answering the question. Ron Paul wouldn’t “wait for the Generals,” he would just bring the damn troops home. This is where Paul is good. [No, he is not a viable option for any reason, PaulBots.]
9:48: Pawlenty is thanking the Navy dad now. The crowd claps. Now Pawlenty will attempt to answer the question! And we are now talking about whether Libya was a good idea! It is so weird watching Republicans try to be anti-war without actually being anti-war. Can you imagine Michele Bachmann with the nuke codes?
9:51: Finally, this is almost over. Some guy is asking a very sane question about whether we should close some of our superfluous military bases around the world in order to save money. Frothy Mix is answering by blaming Obama for something. Girl in audience on CNN camera is totally rolling her eyes. ME TOO, Republican girl who is bored in New Hampshire, ME TOO. Frothy Mix just heavily enunciated the word “fecklessness.”
9:58: Okay, five more minutes with these clowns. Herman Cain, all the current polls say that Republican voters are completely bored with the GOP presidential contenders and Democrats are basically giggling at how pathetic they are. Say something about this! Herman Cain says “no, it’s not.” Hahahaha, HILARIOUS question over whether Obama or McCain picked a worse running mate. This is funny because Sarah Palin is not there and also they all hate her! But they can’t say it out loud right now! Mitt Romney says everybody up there would be a better president than Obama, and he doesn’t want to answer the question about vice presidents either! Now CNN guy is asking which sexy man on the stage is Michele Bachmann’s favorite and she won’t say, because she is coy like that! Ron Paul won’t say who he thinks is sexiest either [pssst, it's Herman Cain].
10:00: Newt Gingrich says that New Hampshire is the sexiest person on that stage! Watch out Callista, Newt’s got the hots for a whole state. Herman Cain learned tonight that it’s all about our grandchildren. And now it’s over! Pizza, pizza.