Ever since Porno Pete introduced us to his new wingnut friend Patrick Wooden at their poorly attended protest against the Southern Poverty Law Center, we’ve been enjoying listening to Wooden describe his fantastical fever dreams about the gay community — for instance, did you know that all gay men above a certain age have to wear diapers or butt plugs? Yes, a “pastor” says so, so it must be true! Peter LaBarbera is eager to sign on to these claims because he is so unnaturally disturbed by homosexuality that he will believe anything if it makes gays look bad. Not smart guys, these.
Anyway, Peter and Patrick sat down for another chat, wherein Patrick revealed that the homoseckshul lifestyle isn’t all diapers and buttplugs, but also putting iPhones, sporting equipment and animals in butts!
Here is the transcript, but you really need to listen to the recording to hear how he pronounces “sphincter.”
Wooden: I do not back off or back down from my statements at all. I was giving anecdotal examples that I am personally aware of that have happened as a result of men who have given themselves over to this lifestyle. One man past away, a friend of mine shared this information with me, that where what used to be his anus had become a gaping hole and he literally died in diapers, he literally lost control of himself. There are examples of men who have stretched their anuses, their sphincter muscles so that they could fit objects into themselves that once the sphincter muscle is stretched too much it will not contract. Because the truth is, despite the anger of the homosexual community, the anus is not a vagina. A vagina, a woman can give birth, God so designed it, the hips release can give birth to babies and things return back to normal. The anus doesn’t work that way; this is one of the reasons why many male homosexuals place larger and larger objects in their rectums.
I know of a case where in a hospital a homosexual male had a cellphone lodged in his anus and as they were operating on him the phone went off, the phone started ringing! There’ve been instances where men have put bats, baseball bats, in their rectums!
…
Even the homosexual lobby knows, those who are pro-homosexual, they know that they cannot win the argument describing what it is that these people actually do to each other, the objects, the animals in certain cases, the little gerbils; thank God I’m a human being! Because if you talk about what it is that these people actually do, they can’t win the argument.
This is all projection. Seriously. Mental health professionals, please analyze below in the comments section.
Also, please commence to using Patrick Wooden’s pronunciation for “sphincter” immediately, in all conversations.
If you missed the recording about diapers and buttplugs, and also about how God lovingly designed sperm, here it is:
I guarantee you they have never handled a gerbil. It can be surprisingly difficult to get them to let go when they’re sufficiently pissed off. Not to mention how sharp their claws actually are.
http://www.jaoa.org/content/106/5/271.full
Nonobstetric vaginal trauma can span a continuum of severity from minor trauma resulting from normal sexual intercourse to major vaginal lacerations. The true incidences of such injuries are difficult to ascertain, especially because the nature of vaginal injury usually remains undisclosed. Many cases resolve without medical intervention, but severe lacerations sometimes require hospitalization and may be fatal.2 Geist3 reported that up to 75% of women in the emergency department with vaginal lacerations require repair. According to Geist’s review,3 these patients usually have marked vaginal bleeding (80%) and perineal and/or lower abdominal pain (10%–20%). Hemorrhagic shock may be present in up to 15% of the cases. The lacerations tend to be 3 to 5 cm long and are usually located in the distal vagina. They are more commonly located posteriorly and to the right. Lacerations extending into the peritoneal cavity occur in less than 1% of patients.3
The most common mechanism of nonobstetric injury to the vagina is coitus.4 Predisposing and etiologic factors that can account for such injuries include virginity, disproportion of male and female genitalia, atrophic vagina in post-menopausal women, friability of tissues, stenosis and scarring of the vagina because of congenital abnormalities, previous surgery, or pelvic radiation therapy. Other factors include rough and violent thrusting of the penis during intercourse, insertion of foreign bodies, and sexual assault. Coital positioning, especially in cases of dorsal decubitus, with hyper-flexion of the thighs and sitting positions have also been suggested as predisposing factors.1,5–7 Women with significant coital injuries may present late and with significant blood loss. This delay may be due to embarrassment because of the nature and cause of injuries or fear of spousal or parental knowledge. Partner abuse should be considered as a cause of injury and appropriately evaluated.1
I thought “spinxsters” were unmarried women.
I thought Spinksters was that boxer guy who had no front teeth.
LOL!!! These two are a riot. Honestly, folks, anything for attention.
what the f**k is a “spinkster” and as a woman why am i reluctant to give “berf”
They’d do better financially as a comedy duo, truly. I mean, really, there’s not one shred of evidence that what either man says is based in fact, or even hearsay — but is purely fabricated from fetid imaginations gone wild on too much sacrificial wine perhaps.
Must not have been an iPhone up his chute. The battery would have died prior to surgery.
Did the message say: I’m sorry, Charlie can’t take this call because this phone is lodged up his a*s. Please leave a message at the tone.
Seriously, these guys have some serious issues.
Didaskalos breaks it down for you:
Sphingo = I strangle.
The Sphinx = the creature that kills by strangling, known from the myth of Oidipous.
Sphinkter = agent noun, that which strangles.
Spinxter = Why u ax me dat?
Philology, bitches.
—Didaskalos
The Gerbil can answer the phone, Wayne. It might sound a little bit like Alvin & The Chipmunks, but at least a live being answers.
This is a comedy skit, right?
If you have ever worked in an emergency room, you know what straight men do to themselves sexually. And unfortunately, you know what straight men do to women sexually that lands them in the emergency room.
My roomate was a nurse and told me the story of a women who had come into the emergency room with a padlock on her vagina. It had gotten infected and she needed emergency care. Her boyfriend had thought she was unfaitheful, knocked her out and put a padlock on her vagina (this entails puncturing the vaginal walls). The doctor said she could call the police on him. And she said “No doctor, that means he loves me.” True story. The hets have a million of them.
@sylvia — A padlock?! In her… I can’t even! And even if it just went through the vulva, that’s still… eesh. OW. NO.
I really hope she left his sorry a*s at some point, because, well, when a guy is crazy enough to try and padlock your vadge shut, he’s damn well crazy enough to try and kill you.
A PADLOCK?!
I heard of one case where the fools used *aluminum foil* because they didn’t have any condoms. Can you imagine the lacerations that must have left in the vagina? BTW, I doubt if Wooden knows that the lips are also called a sphincter muscle. So every time he eats those happy meals, he’s spreading wide his spinxter and *shoving* it in.
I remember that Patsy put her “mobile” up her naughty parts after Edina told her it was set on “vibrate”
Boy, he sure knows a lot about the spinksers of gay men. How does he come by this info? Of course, it figures that Peter would find kinship with this low-life. To you followers of Peter and his ilk: will you please smarten up! The only reason these bozos and their ilk can live w/o working is because of YOU. Stop sending your hard earned cash to such as these and force them to get real jobs, you know, like most of us have – working in a factory, mill, production plant or office, bank, hospital, etc. Yea, somewhere they can actually do some good for this world.
I know stories of foreign objects being inserted into women from when I mixed with lesbian feminists, stories that make me ill and make my eyes water even after all this time.
One I remember particularly was of a woman whose husband wanted to ‘spice up’ their relationship, and it involved a knife.
The woman survived, and escaped, but was so badly damaged she could never enjoy sex again, even if her head had been together enough due to her experience to be able to want to.
Ugh!
The odd thing is, these chaps who talk in such loving detail of the damage that can be done due to anal penetration due to stretching their ‘spinxster’ muscle don’t care wher the vagina is put to ‘unnatural use’ for sexual pleasure, mostly forced and in a straight relationship.
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