Y’all should really take a few minutes to read it all the way through and laugh, but TWO readers will particularly enjoy the skewering of certain Republican presidential candidates:
34) Michele Bachmann
Crimes: Protecting America from the gays by marrying them. Setting feminism back a few waves, not because she’s an idiot, which she is, but because she’s a biblical literalist who’s openly subservient to her “gay-repairing” husband. From confusing John Wayne with John Wayne Gacy to insisting that the Founding Fathers fought to end slavery to botching the locales of prominent Civil War battles, the descriptor “gaffe machine” is, for Michele, woefully inadequate. She’s a bald hypocrite, who was an IRS lawyer and the recipient of farm subsidies, and yet carved out her politically backward niche by railing against taxes and government spending. A conspicuous troglodyte, who says she was ordered to run for president by God, Bachmann’s to be counted among the more prominent reasons why when Americans travel abroad they say they’re Canadian.
Smoking Gun: “I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.”
Sentence: Cervical cancer.
26) Rick Santorum
Crimes: So far in the closet, he’s standing next to your dad’s stack of vintage Playboys. Seriously. Not only does this guy conflate homosexuality with bestiality, he thinks all sex is sin unless it’s procreative. A longtime fan of watching scantily clad brutes engage in sweaty, choreographed battle (he actually lobbied for the WWF, blocking steroid screening because pro wrestling’s not a real sport), Santorum’s politics is pure kayfabe where he plays the good sweater-vested God Boy whose duty is to wrestle evil in all its secular incarnations. In reality, however, he’s a shit-stain of biblical proportions who’s guilty of cronyism, defrauding his constituents, screwing over veterans, and defending sexually abusive priests.
Smoking Gun: “As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It’s being drawn to Iraq. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don’t want the eye to come back to the United States.” (OK, that’s from 2006, but it’s a classic)
Sentence: The Blah Plague.
Oh, there is so much more. Click over.