So, Tennessee’s embarrassment, Senator Stacey Campfield, who believes AIDS would be a thing of the past if people would just stop having sex with Africans and monkeys, who believes that animals never have gay sex because he’s never seen it with his creepy safari binoculars, who gets kicked out of football games for being such a petulant, childish mess, and who has been pushing a bigoted “Don’t Say Gay” bill since the beginning of recorded time, which would disallow schools from even mentioning homosexuality to students, has actually seen his disgusting bill passed out of a Tennessee House subcommittee. Tennessee, you see, is tired of being passed over for the title of “Dumbest, Most Backward Hinterland in ‘Murka,” so we’ve been stepping up our efforts, as of late.
Sen. Stacey Campfield’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill made it out of a House subcommittee today, banning discussion of all but “natural human reproduction science” before the ninth grade in public schools.
You can only talk about “natural human reproduction science?” Well, don’t say “turkey baster” either, y’all. And if you do, you’re in super trouble. But that’s not all:
Before the House education subcommittee acted, chairman Joey Hensley scored bonus points by admonishing all Tennessee parents not to let their children watch “Modern Family” on television because they might discover there are homosexuals in the world.
Coincidentally, President Obama says “Modern Family” is one of the first family’s favorite shows to watch in the White House. Hensley didn’t mention that, but we’re certain that if he knew it, it would only strengthen his belief in the show’s evil influence.
“I don’t think ‘Modern Family’ is appropriate for children to watch,” Hensley said solemnly after a Nashville preacher testified children might find out about gay people by seeing the show even if teachers aren’t allowed to say gay in schools.
You see, Modern Family very distinctly and humorously features a gay couple, and gay couples do not exist in nature, ever, because Stacey woulda seen it through the eyeholes of his Mexican wrestler mask, therefore we cannot talk about them! This is wingnut reality-denial in full bloom. Other programs on the hit-list: Glee, anything involving home improvement and all science networks. Gotta keep our Tennessee kids stupid so they don’t intimidate Joey Hensley and Stacey Campfield, y’all hear?