It’s so annoying when fundamentalist Christians say or do bigoted things, and then try to hide behind the claim that they have “gay friends.” It’s very similar to when some Southern people say, “Now, you know I’m not a racist…,” and then proceed to say something so awfully racist you want to bang your head on the nearest wall.

This happened with the whole Kirk Cameron incident, after he went on Piers Morgan’s show and said that gay people are destructive to the very foundations of civilization. He came back and said that, you know, he’s gotten so much support from people, even his gay friends.

Um, no.

Jerry Mahoney thinks gay people perhaps are just way too nice to Fundamentalists — I mean, we’re pretty nice people, in general — which may unfortunately lead fundamentalist bigots who cross our paths think that they’re our, ahem, friends. So he’s come up with a list of “I won’t be your gay friend if…” statements to clarify things. Here are my favorites, and then click over for the rest:

- You think merely saying you love everyone is equivalent to actually demonstrating that love.

- You use your religion both as a basis to attack me and as a shield to defend yourself from my rebuttal.

- You would treat your gay child with anything less than complete acceptance, unconditional love and a raging desire to kick the ass of anyone who made life hard for them.

Exactly. I would also add the following:

- You think it’s okay to hang out in neighborhoods full of gay people and hang out with us, but then assert that we shouldn’t be able to have children. No good.

- You get all excited about having a “gay friend,” and yet just “aren’t sure” how you feel about equality. Got questions? Ask your “gay friend” and he/she might clear them up for you.

- You’re totally fine with having a gay music minister — I mean, the music at church has gotten better since they hired that guy — but don’t accept his spouse as a full, respected member of the congregation.

ETC.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.