Earlier this week, the CBS News affiliate in Los Angeles ran a story about eighteen men who were arrested by the Manhattan Beach 
Police Department for committing “unlawful sexual activities” in several undercover stings at a local public beach restroom. The story prominently featured a graphic displaying each man’s name, date of birth, municipality of residence, and mugshot.
Just to be clear, I’m not interested in commenting about the merits or relative morality of hooking up in public places. My opinion on the matter — along with, quite frankly, everyone else’s — is largely irrelevant, because these hookups are simply not going to stop. Whether it’s public restrooms, parking lots, New York taxis, highway rest stops, the alleys behind local dive bars, the back seat at the drive-in movie, driving down the interstate, or along secluded Lover’s Lanes, people across the country are having sex in public. And in the nation of spring break, Mardi Gras, and Girls Gone Wild, if you think it’s only the gay men who are doing it, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you.
And therein lies the problem. How many police departments do you see across the nation staking out high school parking lots on prom night? In these tough economic times, how many of them are devoting their limited resources to busting up sexual encounters in the back alley behind the Boom Boom Room? When was the last time you read about a straight couple arrested after being caught in flagrante delicto in the bushes at a local park? And out of those few occasions, how often does the local media publish the names, cities, and mugshots of the accused . . . with their full birthdates?
While these things undoubtedly happen to people straight and gay, there’s definitely a double standard at work here in terms of how the laws about public sexual acts between consenting adults are enforced and how accused persons are treated. And more often than not, LGBT people are victimized as a result.
This story has uncomfortable echoes of an earlier time in America when gay sex was illegal, LGBT establishments were frequently raided by police, and the names, mugshots, and personal information of those arrested were published by local newspapers in order to shame them and satisfy both the public’s lust for all things salaciously taboo and its seemingly endless desire to claim moral superiority. All too often these stunts resulted in people being evicted from their homes, fired from their jobs, cast out of their families and social circles, and driven to suicidal despair. Surely this couldn’t be the motivation for so publicly humiliating these eighteen men, so why did the Manhattan Beach Police Department and the Los Angeles media do it? They need to start providing some answers, because this story raises disturbing questions.
It is indeed a double standard. Opposite genital couples get caught in all manner of acts and it’s considered “normal”, even when distasteful and lewd. But two men merely holding hands or kissing is often cause for alarm, and them having sex outside of a dark, triple locked private room? Scandalous!
Kinda hard to justify these kind of compulsive public sexual activities. How many of these men wear condoms? How many are keeping this behavior secret from an unsuspecting partner?It is not the 70′s and this behavior only reinforces the negative stereotypes that have kept gays from receiving equal marriage support across the board. It is no longer necessary for men to meet and hook up in this manner. Sometimes we need to sweep our own front step before we blame our neighbor fr noticing it’s dirty…
Good points, all of the above: (1) There are no valid excuses for public sex, straight or gay; (2) When gay men do this, they are playing into the hands of the homophobes; (3) There is a double standard between gay and straight enforcement; and (4) It will continue to happen, gay and straight, almost regardless of police action — the best the police can do is drive it from one location to another.
But the interesting point is: (5) If gay men don’t like this double-standard, what is the proper thing to do about it? If we stay quiet, we are implying the double-standard is OK with us — but if we protest the double-standard, it looks like we are either condoning the public sex, or getting down on the straight couples who do the same.
Damned if we do — damned if we don’t.
I am unaware of opposite gender couples frequenting public restrooms for liaisons. It is harder to catch those couples because there aren’t (to my knowledge) places where these acts predictably and consistently occur. It doesn’t seem unreasonable to me that public restrooms shouldn’t be places where people can engage in sexual acts with impunity of any gender. I’m willing to hear the other side, but that’s my take on it.
“Kinda hard to justify these kind of compulsive public sexual activities.”
Good thing nobody’s asking you to (in fact, you were specifically asked not to). Men and women have been, are and will be having sex in public places as long as there are men and women. The end.
“Sometimes we need to sweep our own front step before we blame our neighbor fr noticing it’s dirty…”
And back to the actual topic:
There’s nothing dirty about consensual sex.
Being “dirty” (whatever that means) doesn’t mean you are especially humiliated — that’s nowhere in our justice system.
When opposite-sex couples are arrested for the same sort of offense, this public shaming does not happen to them.
When opposite-sex couples have a spot they go to for public sex, it’s a “Lover’s Lane” and the police don’t set up sting operations around it.
This very same police department in question just fired some of its own officers in an unrelated hit-and-run case. Those officers’ photos have not been published.
Happily — and sanely — the LA Gay & Lesbian Center is not letting this pass:
http://www.scpr.org/blogs/news/2012/04/05/5409/l-gay-lesbian-center-decries-sex-sting-coverage/
Stop joining in the shaming of your fellow gay men. It’s internalized homophobia on your part and it’s not doing anyone any good. The question, as stated, isn’t whether public sex is here to stay (it is), the question is are we going to fight back or not when our brothers are targeted to be especially humiliated for tax money and public relations for the police and ratings and ad dollars for the complicit media?
If a gay couple were to, well.. “couple”, in say – “Lover’s Lane” overlooking a cliff (I keep thinking of the cliff overlooking Springfield in The Simpsons) – I doubt there’d be much to-do over it. I mean, it’s your personal car; the doors would no doubt be locked and windows possibly fogged up. One could make the case that doing so in a public place is illegal, but whatever – I could definitely see that being a much more “move along sirs..” situation (in a town where laws are enforced equally) than a sting-turned-public shaming. It’s different when you’re having sex in a somewhat exposed public space. “Public space” implies that it’s there for everyone, and for a specific purpose, such as discarding of one’s waste. You’re not allowed to nap in the stalls, or set up a barbecue; you’re also not allowed to have sex in there.
I think the key here is equal enforcement. A gay couple caught in some public act – outside of any privately owned vehicle or abode – should be treated the way a straight couple would be treated in the same situation. And though it’s a tad off topic, I don’t see anything “internally homophobic” about seeing a counter-progressive gay stereotype (trolling public restrooms for anonymous encounters) and wanting something better for your own community, especially considering (according to my own impression) that it’s an act borne from shame and a fear of being outed.
What’s internally homophobic about gay men passing judgment on gay men regarding where, when and with whom they should have sex is that it mirrors the exact same judgments of our oppressors who hate all gay men, including the ones who look down on the consensual sexual choices of their brothers.
What’s also internally homophobic about it is that it presumes knowledge which the judgmental gay man can’t possibly have and which reality and common sense contradict. Not all men can hook up in bars, over apps or online. They just can’t. They can, however, meet the way men have met sense the dawn of time.
Although it was specifically asked in the post that these comments not be about the pros and cons of public sex, it’s no surprise — sadly — that that’s exactly what they’ve become. Some people can’t help themselves but to condemn gay men, even if they’re gay men themselves. That’s also internalized homophobia.
Splitting hairs and drawing lines doesn’t work. Gay sex stings center around men cruising parks in their cars just as often as they center around men cruising men’s rooms. So let’s forget “Lover’s Lanes” for opposite sex couples — how about Mardi Gras? How about Spring Break? How about Lake Havesu? How about nude beaches? How about anywhere opposite sex couples know they can go to have sex in public? Are those okay with you while sex inside a room inside a room (the stall of a men’s room) is not? Because they’re all fine with the police and the media, as long as a vagina’s involved.
The original complaint in the Manhattan Beach case — indeed the only complaint — was a lifeguard noticing that men stayed inside the men’s room for up to an hour at a time. That’s it. Nobody, including that lifeguard, saw anybody having sex. The whole point for the men in that men’s room was, indeed, not to be seen having sex. They succeeded and their reward was public humiliation that no other group of people charged with a petty crime — charged, not even convicted — ever has to face.
That’s the topic and it is the topic because the topic that people can’t stop themselves from discussing is moot. Public sex has, does and will always happen. The question is: is it right to single out presumed gay (let alone presumed innocent) men over everyone else accused of any petty crime for public humiliation simply because they’re accused of the worst thing possible — having gay sex? Or, in the eyes of some here, apparently — having gay sex wrong?
The answer is: of course not.
Justme, I am bracing myself from an attack from you. Every time this topic comes up I am roundly attacked but this is the topic so I am going to comment.
Your argument is very similar to, if not that same as the two gay men who got busted having sex on their balcony while in port. Did you see the proof positive pic? That they were excessively punished. Did you see the pic?
Your argument is that sexual minorities are unfairly picked on and publicly humiliated for what heterosexual couples do also, have public sex.
Although you don’t want to discuss it and John Becker doesn’t want us to discuss it, it IS part of the discussion and I agree with AJ, Ricky, Paul, Douglas and Emily K.
If prostitutes were turning heterosexual tricks in our public bathrooms the cops would do a sting and publish the men who are the johns. I would be really irate if heterosexual couples were regularly having sex in our public bathrooms. It is not good argument to say, “This has been done since time immortal and we are gonna keep doing it so leave us alone and back off.” I can speak for myself, that I don’t want ANY sex going on in public bathrooms, gay or straight.
And equally as disgusting as sex in public bathrooms is sex in public parks. Yes it disgusts me and I wish gay men would stop it. I don’t care what you do in your private life, I am fine with gay sex, it does not disgust me. Sex of any kind (gay or straight) that takes place in our public bathrooms and public parks is indecent, and I don’t like it, and I want it to stop and I am glad the cops are stopping it.
Let the stoning begin. Just remember you are stoning a strong straight advocate for Civil Rights for Sexual Minorities and my disapproval of public sex cuts both ways, gay and straight.
I am sincerely puzzled as to why sex in a public place is a thing of “pride” and “history” for gay men, and gay men alone.
“Not all men can hook up in bars, over apps or online. They just can’t. They can, however, meet the way men have met sense the dawn of time.”
I seriously don’t understand this statement. Are you saying only gay men can meet in public restrooms or other public places, and not anywhere else? That this is the most “natural” or “Logical” maneuver when seeking companionship? Why insist on segregating gay men’s ability to meet someone from the way a straight person can meet someone?
I think that just as often, these are straight, married men who want a blow job. Here in Georgia they also publish name and mug shot.
40 odd years ago, when i was a young man, cruising toilets, aka cottaging, was one of the ways– one of the very FEW ways– that a young, frightened gay man could even begin to explore sexuality. It was a way, however gross, to meet other young, frightened, gay men, that was not particularly public, not in broad daylight. But the thought of actually having sex in such a venue was a complete turnoff. I never did, and would not have. It wasn’t sex I was looking for, it was connection. and as soon as I began to conect with other men, what little appeal cottaging had evaporated, and i eventually worked up enough courage to go to one of honolulu’s three gay bars.
As gay liberation– does that date me, dearie?– began to work its way into my consciousness, by the mid-70′s, I realized that that approach was just terrible for gay men and society both. I didn’t condemn it, but I saw little to no value in it EXCEPT for frightened, confused young men to make some initial contact with the gay world.
Now, here we are 40 years later. I can say without fear of contradiction that it’s a VERY bad idea, at least or especially for young gay men. There are too many other options avialable, and that has been the case since the early 80′s. I can also say that of the hundreds of gay men I have known in the past 30 odd years, only two or three thought that cottaging was a good thing. The vast majority think of it as at best benighted, closet based, unhealthy bahviour.
Som, who exactly is it doing the cottaging? I have no actual statistics, but I’m fairly sure the vast majority of men are severely closeted men. Given my dating experiences, where I met so many allegedly hetero men looking for quickies on the side, I’m pretty much sure of it. I seem to remember a video of a sheriff in Georgia a couple of years ago, where a bunch of men were arrested for cottaging. The Sheriff said that nearly every one of the men arrested was heterosexually married. Maybe someobe has a link?
Further proof, if any were necessary, that anti-gay attitudes are not only bad for gay people, but bad for straight– well “straight”– people as well. The problem is not homosexuality, but homo-hatred.
Justme said “Not all men can hook up in bars, over apps or online. They just can’t.”.
I’m with Emily, I don’t see any reason why that would be true.
Emily K said, “I am sincerely puzzled as to why sex in a public place is a thing of “pride” and “history” for gay men, and gay men alone.”
I don’t see where anyone here used the words “pride” and/or “history,” but anyway: I won’t comment about the pride part, but there is definitely history.
Until recent years the vast majority of gay men were deeply closeted and trying their best to fake their way through a heterosexual lifestyle in order to survive in a virulently hostile world. When any of them sought out a homo-sexual outlet, anonymity was essential, and fleeting contacts in public places were the safest – even though the danger of arrest was always lurking. Most likely the public places they frequented were not in their own neighborhoods. There was a whole underground knowledge-base where guys knew the favored venues, and their perceived safety level with respect to law enforcement.
Nowadays, I assume there is a much lower percentage of gay men seeking their sex primarily in public places. If a study could be done, I’d bet that the most bigoted states in the U.S. have the highest rates of homo-sex in public places.
Let’s try to imagine the unimaginable – that heterosexuals are the target of bigotry, and that heterosexual behavior is a crime. What type of venues do you think would become the most common for fleeting hetero-sex outlets?
Here is PROOF of the problem!!! These are MY Parks! These are parks I take my grandchildren to. Guys take it to abandoned industrial sites or something but get the hell out of our Public Parks and Public Restrooms, I should be able to take my grandchildren to the park without having to worry about your activities, I really SHOULD be able to do that. You simply do NOT see heterosexuals hooking up like this in public parks and rest stops, you don’t.
http://www.gayuniverse.com/cgi/cruise_state.cgi?state=Wisconsin
I cringe every time this subject comes up simply because it is one of those issues where misunderstanding reigns and any position taken will be controversial. That said, here is my 2 cents — and I’m referring to the anonymous sexual encounters in bathrooms or wooded parks, etc, not “lovers lane” situations where generally couples in some sort of relationship go for intimacy — gay or straight.
There is no doubt that laws against public sex are perfectly legitimate and should be obeyed. However, it is my understanding that most of the men frequenting bathrooms, etc for sex are deeply closeted, often married, and probably in deep, deep denial. This is a reflection of the shame and guilt society has traditionally heaped on gays, and it is still very much a part of who we are.
This causes me to see many of these men as victims, driven into the shadows by desperation. It does not make it right, but it does cause me to feel compassion for them. When the system then publishes their identities and misdeeds in a most public way, they are victimized all over again. The shame that drives them deep into secrecy is increased exponentially. I don’t see this as being necessary for the community — arrest is more than enough humiliation for them.
To further illustrate the double standard, we tried for months to obtain Matthew Manning’s booking photo for our story on him. I believe we had a legitimate need to show this because so many of his followers would likely not have believed his criminal record without something visually proof-positive like that. Instead we were denied over and over, citing privacy regulations in California. Yet here are people guilty of far less and their vitals are paraded in public. This seems to suggest special animus towards these men.
I have no data, but I suspect this kind of activity has lessened in the past couple of decades, and will continue to do so. But it is a colossal mistake to assume that we have come so far that there aren’t gay people out there who are living lives just as dark and desperate as once was the standard. Let’s have a little understanding for the reasons even if we must rightly enforce the laws.
Oh, and as for the “what about the children” canard, let’s hang that one up until and unless someone can find substantial cases where kids were actually harmed or affected by such incidents. I suspect the people involved do their best to not be anywhere near children — or anyone else — for obvious reasons. Again, it is unlawful and I agree with that, but this line of attack just creates histrionics and it’s unnecessary.
Equally wrong is the idea that this happens only because “gay men just can’t keep it in their pants.” That reveals some homophobia I believe and says a lot about the person making the statement.
Hate to tell you this but gay sex is still illegal in many states. Just because they would be laughed out of most courtrooms in todays time doesn’t mean they couldn’t find that one judge stupid enough to enforce the old sodomy laws and cause grief to some gay male couple or one nighter.
“Just to be clear, I’m not interested in commenting about the merits or relative morality of hooking up in public places.”
Ricky, Paul Douglas, and StraightGrandmother, I’d like to challenge you to tell me exactly how you managed to twist that comment into some kind of defense of public sex. It’s a rather astonishing distortion of my actual words.
AJ & David Roberts, I agree with your post 100%.
Mike — Hate to tell you this, but any remaining state laws banning gay sex were ruled unconstitutional in 2003 by the Supreme Court of the United States in Lawrence v. Texas. They are no longer in force. ;-)
Tearoom trade reminds me of Senator Larry Craig who apparently enjoyed it because he was caught trying to get a blow job in a public restroom while he was happily married to a woman.
Tearooms are usually active at times when nobody else is around and so nobody notices. The problem comes when a tearoom becomes unusable because it is filled with guys waiting for sex. Of course, this problem could be better solved without calling the cops, which only raises the issue of a double standard.
Tearoom trade– that was a book written about 40 years ago by sociologisty Laud Humphreys– i think that was his name. Rather a depressing book in some ways.
Bathroom sex is fast, secret, dirty, sleazy and very exciting. That’s what some guys are into. It is simply a fetish that some guys like.
Of course, it is risky ( but potentially getting caught is part of the excitement). If you get caught, you pay the price. It’s been around for a long time and it isn’t going to go away.
Chris said “It’s been around for a long time and it isn’t going to go away.”.
As others have pointed out, it probably has lessened a great deal over the last couple of decades and will likely continue to do so in the future so your comment is not exactly accurate.
I stand by my comment. The first three sentences of my comment explains why it isn’t going away. I can add a fourth reason: Many of the men who like bathroom sex are men who are married to women and are out playing around with the boys, on the sly.