I hesitate to give today’s dispatch from Porno Pete’s Haus of Leather Photography, Sadness and Funyun Crumbs the title of “stupidest thing he’s ever posted,” because the second I do, somebody will e-mail me a long-forgotten post from 2008 or something, that easily outshines today’s post in the “dumb” department. But let’s just agree that today’s post is among the dumbest things he’s ever posted. I will now show you why. This is going to be a long post, because there is so much crazy to deconstruct, but I’m in the mood to do this, and I’m having fun, so bear with me. [NOTE: While I was writing this, I didn't realize that Bruce had already commented on one piece of it. Both pieces stand, though, as we take them in two entirely different directions. Check his out too!]

The post starts with this picture, from Glee, which Porno Pete censored because he believes it is “indecent”:

Glee gay kiss1 The Dumbest Thing Ever Written On Porno Petes Blog?

To which I reply:

Porno Pete The Dumbest Thing Ever Written On Porno Petes Blog?

Got yer nose! My laptop came with Paint too, dude.

Now, on to the content of the piece, which was not written by the Peter, but rather by a wingnut whose name I had forgotten completely, so absent has his voice been from even Porno Pete’s low level of wingnuttia in years of late:

Two Manly Men In Maine
by Coach Dave Daubenmire of Pass the Salt Ministries

Ooh, we are going to hear about men that a “coach” thinks are manly, in Maine! Aren’t we excited?! We already know that the wingnut definition of “manly” tends to correlate strongly with large tires and a propensity for hysterical shrieking homophobia, so this should be good. Also, readers should know that “Coach” uses that title because he used to be a high school football coach before he was forced out of that position for pushing his religious views onto his players. Now he’s the “coach” for “God’s team,” or something of that sort, as per his website.

Anyway, on to the Coach’s homage to the hottest guys in Maine:

The boys are back in town.

Not that they ever went anywhere.

False alarm.

But Mike Heath

Oh, actually, Mike Heath did go somewhere. He conveniently resigned from the mainstream anti-gay movement in Maine when even his own allies were put off by his strange, prurient style of political gay hatin’. He’s a lot like Porno Pete, actually, which is why they are friends. Now he is back, trying to hurt gay people in Maine again, and we on the side of equality and fairness are actually kinda thrilled. The more extremist voices like Pete’s and Mike’s are elevated, the more we win, 100% of the time, as their message repels sentient beings.

and Paul Madore

Also a buddy of Porno Pete’s. A few years ago when Maine’s wingnut leaders were lying to/scaring Maine voters into repealing marriage equality there, Peter, Paul and some Mary or another were very obviously upset that the higher-ups in the anti-gay movement didn’t want their voices to be heard, so they had their own little sad press conference.

are teaming up once again to take on the sodomites in Maine.

That is bad news for the gay-rights thugs, and they know it.

No seriously, mister coach guy, we think it’s great. Again, the more that people like Mike Heath and Paul Madore get to talk, the more we win. I promise Maine’s gay rights activists are thrilled to see this kind of Hail Mary pass from the bigots in their state.

Heath and Madore are like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Huh?

Batman and Robin

No gay undertones there.

Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Ace and Gary?

They are the homosexual movement’s worst nightmare.

Again, if this is our worst nightmare, bring on the REM sleep.

For the seventh time in recent history, there is an attempt by the deviant-left to foist “sodomy-based marriage” onto the grandchildren of the citizens of Maine.

This is specifically about the grandchildren? Huh. I hadn’t heard.

When does “no” mean no?

Not when almost 58% of Mainers support marriage equality, according to the latest polls. This is why we think that Laverne and Shirley’s entry into the anti-gay side of the fight is so great, as they will push even more moderates to our side with their weird message, which “Coach” will elaborate on shortly. Until then, schlemiel, schlemazel!

Six times they have tried, and six times this dynamic-duo has helped push them back. It hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t come without a cost. They both have the scars to prove it.

Oh, they are such victims. When does the part about “manly men” happen, again?

But at least they have scars. Rare is the man willing to take the arrows that come for standing publicly for what he believes. With all due respect to homo-queen Elton John, Madore and Heath can sing “I’m still standing” as they enter the ring in what they believe is the final round against the sodomy crowd.

Yep, according to the poll I just cited (and the other credible ones that have come out lately), this likely will be the last stand for Donny and Marie.

“We are going for the knockout,” Heath recently told me. “We are going to turn them back with a 70 percent vote. It will be a long time before the homosexual activists get off of the canvas in Maine.”

“It is time to get serious with the society on the issue of homosexuality and the practical effects that are very harmful to society that this distorted and perverted lifestyle will have. It is time to take the gloves off. Good people just keep moving the line back in regards to homosexuality. But not any more,” says Madore.

Three cheers for being delusional. Why do I get the feeling these guys spend a lot of time gazing at Matt Barber’s boxing photos?

“For 30 years we have bought the lies and we have played by the Homosexual’s rules. We have tried the “nice” approach to Christianity and have continually lost ground. For me, and this ministry, it is not about a political referendum. I spent a career depending on politicians and it took me awhile to see the light. This is not a political issue. It is a moral issue. Our goal is to re-stigmatize sodomy. To paint a picture in the mind of Mainers exactly what it is that sodomites DO. We want to make the thought of sodomy abominable once again,” Heath says.

“So we, two grown men, are going to run around the state of Maine graphically describing how other people have sex in the privacy of their own homes, at least our perceptions of it, and people are not going to think that we’re weird at all!”

These guys play to win.

Unfortunately they’re Tebow-ing passes at the wrong end zone.

Heath used to run with the “big dogs” in the pro-family movement. Although his name is not as nationally known, he was at the table with James Dobson, Tony Perkins, Ralph Reed and the boys as the fight for culture has been waged over the years.

And then they got rid of him because even they thought he was kinda weird?

He saw the emergence of the unholy alliance as the Christian leadership slowly morphed into Republican lapdogs.

The Christians held a seat at the table, but the “Republicans” are the ones who called the shots.

Truth be told? The Republican establishment has never been comfortable with the partnership.

They loved the Christians’ votes, but not their issues. After three decades, what do the Christians have to show for the hundreds of millions of dollars that the grass roots donors have trusted them with?

Nothing. We’ve been saying that for years, that fundamentalists have always been the useful idiots of the Republican party, but they don’t like to hear it.

Sad, isn’t it? Most Christian organizations are proudly endorsing Mitt Romney in the battle between the “Morman [sic] and the Muslim [sic].” Their only hope is that the arm of the Republican Party can defend Christians better than the hand of the Lord. But I am sure those donations are still rolling in…

Mike Heath knows how Dr. Dobson feels. After 25 years, he too, was forced out of his position at the Christian Civic League of Maine. What was his crime? He played to win. He recognized that it was war and he understood the stakes. Unfortunately, others didn’t.

Okay, Revisionist McGee, but actually the people who forced Mike Heath out of his position DID win that battle, because they found a new way to lie to and scare Mainers. Mike Heath might play to win, but he’s not playing any game the rest of us recognize.

In a recent press release “the boys in the suits” at the National Organization for Marriage (NOM, which just endorsed Romney), [NOM President Brian Brown] said, “We reject attempts to make this campaign [over homosexual "marriage" in Maine] about the morality of homosexuality.” Homosexuality is not a moral issue, huh?

Yep, we have lost a lot of ground but have sure looked polished doing it. Most national pro-family organizations have modeled the church. They want to be nicer than Jesus. Well Heath and Madore want to win.

Yeah, forget that lame-O “Jesus” guy their religion is named after! This isn’t a time for Christian love!

Here is their plan.

Madore is Rocky Balboa. Heath is his trainer Mickey.

Madore is Angel. Heath is Spike. Neither of them have souls right now, so they will join forces and defeat Buffy once and for all!

Together, these defenders of the Faith are going to take sodomy head-on.

I’m going to let you readers absorb that sentence on your own, as many times in a row as it takes you all to stop giggling.

I read the following in a recent newsletter I received.

“The issue is not marriage. The issue is not “rights.” The issue is not “fairness.” The issue is sodomy. Homosexuality is not a lifestyle. Homosexuality is a behavior. ‘Sodomy is most commonly legally defined as any contact between the genitals of one person, and the mouth or anus of another’.” Gaylib.com.

Permit me to clarify the definition. Sodomy is one MAN inserting his genitals into the mouth or anus of ANOTHER MAN.

Actually, dingus, the first definition was correct. However, and this is where things get dicey…only an idiot can read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah and then pull out a concordance to read everything else the Bible says about that event, and still come to the conclusion that it had anything to do with homosexuality. It’s actually not difficult Biblical scholarship. Sure, it knocks a leg off the homophobe’s stool, and I know that they have so few to stand on, but it’s pretty simple. The reason the word came into use is because bigots over the years misread that passage, over and over and over again, due to bigotry.

Say it again. Say it out loud so your ears hear it. Picture it in your mind. Picture Barney Frank and Elton John in action…Barney Frank putting his genitals into Elton John’s…

The men that wingnuts choose to fantasize about amuse me. You’ll never see them saying “picture Ricky Martin popping open a bottle of wine while Neil Patrick Harris runs a bubble bath…”

Haha.

That is what they want to tell us is normal…no wait…tell our children is normal. Into that “union” they are asking permission to place children. Would you let them put YOUR grandchild into a sodomy-based family? Why would you let them do it to someone else’s child? Have normal people lost their minds?”

Actually, it’s you guys you are obsessing over how people have sex. Adults of all sexual orientations tend to keep their sex lives in the bedroom. I’m really not worried about what happens in any of my neighbors’ bedrooms. Oh, but wingnuts are. They think about it all day, every day. And what is this about “YOUR grandchild?” I would assume that if “YOUR grandchild” is being raised in a same-sex household (like it or not, there is no such thing as a “sodomy-based household”), that came about as a result of YOUR child being gay, falling in love and choosing to raise children with his/her spouse.

Rev. Mike Heath and “Mr. Maine” Paul Madore are taking the gloves off.

Heath is Zack Morris. Madore is A.C. Slater. Together they will sneak out of Bayside without Mr. Belding finding out! The rest of the gang is already at The Max!

They are putting the pictures on mobile trucks and are taking the truth of sodomy to every city, every school, and every home in Maine. Here is the picture they will put on the trucks that they will drive throughout Maine.

Here is the picture they’re putting on the trucks, unless Porno Pete’s link was bad:

 The Dumbest Thing Ever Written On Porno Petes Blog?

Yet another reason Heath and Madore are going to help win this for OUR side. You see, normal people who aren’t obsessed with sex look at that picture and see two guys who love each other. Heath, Madore, “Coach” Daubenmire and Porno Pete see it and run away screaming about sodomy. We win, in a landslide. PLEASE put that picture on your bus.

Oh, how the pigs will squeal. The sodomites will cry “hate” as if the truth of a picture can be hateful.

Nope, guys, again, if anyone squeals when they see that picture, it’ll be because they’re saying “AWWWWW!” That picture went viral for a reason, and it wasn’t because it disgusted people for the most part. In fact, it immediately was compared to and put side by side with another iconic photograph:

juxtaposed The Dumbest Thing Ever Written On Porno Petes Blog?

So again, please put that on your bus, wingnuts. Images of love are transcendent, and they affect people in positive ways. The wingnut bus will go down the highways and by-ways of Maine, quietly telling the story of two men whose devotion and love for one another shines through in one beautiful photograph.

I will say, though: the picture of the Marines is the first thing I’ve read in Daubenmire’s column that has anything to do with manly  men. It’s certainly not Heath and Madore.

The Christians in pretty suits will cry “mean” as if being nice ever won a war.

“Coach” sure is obsessed with Brian Brown’s clothes.

It is God who first called them sodomites. If it is good enough for Him then it should be good enough for us.

Yes, but actually no. Again, read the Bible passage about Sodom and Gomorrah with a concordance handy and preferably at least a seventh grade education in English. We’ll wait a few years.

It is time to take off the gloves. It is time to get down and dirty. It is time we fought like we wanted to win.

You already said that.

Hey! Listen to me!

It’s rare that wingnuts actually type out their cries for help so literally.

Send them some money!! They are on the front lines. They know the people of Maine. They are battle tested and uncompromising. David taking on Goliath. Put some gas into their tanks. Redirect all of your giving from the “national ministries” to the two manly men in Maine. Their gloves are off. This is Clay against Liston III, Lewiston, Maine 2012.

Heath is Lucy. Madore is Ethel. Hijinks ensue!

If you trust me, trust them. I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Help deliver a knockout to the homosexual agenda. Your gifts are NOT Tax deductible. Helping Hands is not a corporation. It is a church.

Trust me! Waste your money! The polls are already showing a landslide victory for equality, but give them some money, even though it’s not tax deductible!

Goooooo, Team Wingnut!

Congratulations, “Coach” Daubenmire, I do believe that my thesis from the top of this piece, that this is at least among the dumbest things Porno Pete has ever posted on his blog, has been proven correct.