For the past two weeks I’ve been reading through stories people have sent in about how DOMA hurts them and the ones they love, in preparation for articles I’m writing. To the last one, they’ve brought me to tears. Here is one more story to add to the list — and it’s absolutely heartbreaking.
One year ago yesterday, Shane Bitney Crone’s boyfriend of six years, Tom Bridegroom, died tragically. To mark the anniversary of Tom’s death, Shane made a video, titled It Could Happen to You, detailing the dehumanizing mistreatment he endured and the gut-wrenching reality of life without the person he loves, in a country that regards them as total strangers.
As Andy Towle said when posting Shane’s video, it’s a powerful account of the painful familial rejection, the unjust institutional discrimination, and the omnipresent bias that gay couples face every day.
(WARNING: Do not watch this anywhere that you aren’t comfortable dissolving into tears, because you will.)
On a completely personal note, I admire Shane Bitney Crone more than I can possibly express. I don’t know if I could face even one day without my dear husband Michael, and the thought of ever having to find out is the only thing in life that truly terrifies me. I can’t imagine how Shane is able to speak out like this, but I’m sure glad he found the strength. His story should serve as a reminder to LGBT people about the importance of protecting our relationships, because what happened to him really could happen to any one of us. It also illustrates the power of telling our stories, which Shane correctly describes as “one of the most effective ways to change people’s hearts and minds.” Finally, this video provides yet another example of the galling injustice of the so-called “Defense of Marriage Act,” constitutional marriage discrimination amendments like the one on the ballot today in North Carolina, and the religion-based bigotry that justifies the unconscionable way families like Tom’s often treat the surviving same-sex spouses and partners of their deceased children.
Stories like Shane and Tom’s happen every day. How many more hearts have to be broken before equality for LGBT people, couples, and families is fully realized and the scourge of religion-based bigotry is eradicated forever?
Had Tom filed a police complaint when his father criminally menaced him with a gun and then assaulted him — and pressed domestic violence charges — then Tom’s father and uncle might have thought twice before threatening Michael against attending the funeral. And, if they did threaten him anyway, then he could have reported that threat to the police (which he should have done, in any event). A man who threatens with a gun and hits his own son in their home also is a suspect for domestic violence abuse of others in the home, so reporting that abuse to the police and pressing charges makes sense for that reason too.
Scott, while you may technically be right, Tom was dealing with an incredibly traumatizing experience. I can’t fault him for what he did or didn’t do in that situation.
He could have reported it. But maybe he was scared. How much protection and comfort would the police report provide if he had a bullet in his head?
This video must have brought great joy and satisfaction to Maggie Gallagher. It shows what can be achieved when you stand up proudly to fight for your Godly principles and values.
Scott… yes. He should have reported it. In the end it does not matter (as with regards to Tom and Shane and how things panned out) but let me just ask you this, how likely is the person who is seeking their immediate familys approval is to report a thing like that? Especially when it is not just one person but the lot of them (father, his uncle, his mother etc.) who opposes their love?
Honestly, are you as the person trying to seek approval going to go all Gung-Ho about it? All by yourself? Especially if you believe in love…
Sometimes the thing that is morally right is just not feasible. That is why the best generals pick their fights. That is why it is better to run away to live to fight another day.
This whole story is just horrible. It portrays everything that is wrong about opposing two of legal age persons who are of sound mind legally forming a bond that guarantees them the same rights as heterosexual couples of same standing.
It is just sad, just horribly sad. As a human being I can understand the pain. I love my partner more than life itself. For me she is the most beautiful one on earth, both inside and out. She is my soulmate. I could not think of life without her and I can fully well see and understand how that could be with couples of same sex.
Between people of equal command of their facilities love does not ask for time or place or religion/creed or colour of skin or sex or whatever. It just is, pure and undiluted.
This world is full of beautiful minds, people who have the ability to share their lives and love between one or more genders. Heterosexual. Bisexual. Homosexual. Transsexual.
You know what the thing that unites all of those is? The mind inside the physically different bodies.
So do not be afraid of different. Love the person inside the body instead. Love your blood kin, never forsake them for they are the ones also looking up to you. Never do that for whatever reason. Not for convention. Not for religion. If you do that you fail the fundamental test. The test of love.
all i can do for now is to cry and pray for you guys,,this things happen to me as wel…soooooo painful…..God bless…
Jeremias Ylirotu, you put it in perfect words! I really feel for Shane and his situation. It’s very heartbreaking. I can’t wait for the day equality among us all in marriage can finally stand without opposition.
After Tom came home and went through all he had with his parents and such, and Im sure he told you…I would have rejected her taking anything she wanted (his mom) and Rejected any questions. And if I were to pay for his burial it would be close to where I was located. You are right, Your mistake was letting them walk all over you.
I understand Tom’s parents are being harrassed since this youtube video has now gone viral… GOOD!
Being 60 years old, I have seen this exact same situation occur time and time again to many couples that I have known over the years…Hateful family swoops in,grabs all of the couples possessions,bank accounts,houses,cars,you name it…Every last one I can recall also involved the family dragging the deceased back to their state..Must be a “That’ll show that queer” mindset,I assume..Shane,you have my complete sympathy…
I watched that video on Towleroad this morning… and it was emotionally exhausting – I just wanted to grab Shane and just hug him. I cried. I raged. I threw things. The list of injustices heaped on Shane was nearly too much for me to bear; I mean, having to SNEAK to your partner’s grave because his ‘family’ wouldn’t let you near it?! I would hope that I would have the same fortitude and strength that Shane has shown, not only to survive such a horrific ordeal, but to broadcast it for all to see as a teachable moment. Watching the two of them laughing, goofing off, and truly HAPPY… only to be jarred by Shane weeping alone… dear God. My heart just breaks for him.
I hope, I truly HOPE that Shane has an excellent network of supportive friends and family to lean on.
Naturally, there’s some ‘armchair quarterbacking’ over what Tom should/should have done, or what Shane should/should have done, but that’s not the point of this video – and all that does is shift the blame from Tom’s loathsome ‘family’ onto Tom and Shane themselves. That the ‘mother’ swooped in less than 24 HOURS after Tom’s death was a clear play to take advantage of Shane’s state – Shane was, no doubt, not in any emotional position to deny Tom’s ‘mother’ anything – especially if she layered her venomous intent with sweet words of comfort. Shane has no doubt kicked himself enough times over the past year – adding a bunch of cold ‘well you should have…’ from people who HAVEN’T endured what he’s endured… well, just how helpful is that?
Shane, if you’re reading this – go find your supportive friends and family, dive into their love and STAY THERE for a while. My heart goes out to you with love and regret for what you have endured! :(
Shane let me say how awfully sorry i am for you and your husband.in the blinded eyes of the law you are not anything other then roommates but this is wrong and the all seeing eyes of love and of god see what you two truly are and that’s husband and husband.take solace in the fact that your husband loved you and that you and him will be together.your strength to share your story is admirable and it does more damage to bigotry then any sword gun or fist can inflict.and to your husbands “family”you are all hateful bigots and you are now on a death list all self loving gays and any sensible people hate you and many seek your death.you will never live in peace you will never see heaven you will never see a truly peaceful moment for know this.one day you will die and when you do let it be painful,;let it hurt ,let it sting and by all means let it be slow and long.and know when your wicked corpse falls we will be smiling god will be frowning and the devil will be waiting.to all gays harass these people harass hem as much as you can.to all you bigots out there be warned we will defend our marriage to the death we will defend our love so come face us for when you do our love will sear your flesh from your bones.again Shane if you read these comments know that your brothers and sisters are with you and you have ally’s do not be ashamed.
I’m listening <3
My knowledge of similar stories like this prompted my partner & I to get legally married in CA in July 2008 before Prop8. Our families are great and wonderful people, BUT when someone dies… That can all change especially if influenced by attorneys and legal path to assets in most of the US. I would hope our Marriage Certificate would ward off any swooping in of our families. Plus we live in DC, an oasis of recognition of GLBT rights.
Shane is experiencing Real Grief over Tom’s untimely passing and it’s compounded by Tom’s parents irreverence of their own son and the love of his life. It seems this Video was posted on the 1st anniversary of Tom’s death. Tom had a career at MTV, he & Shane appear to have been a Happy Couple. I sincerely hope Shane has a good local support network to help him cope with all this.
I’m touched by your story. I just wish that you hadn’t had to go through any of it. You both looked so genuinely happy. The time is now for change.
[...] months ago, we posted about a video that was going viral at the time, called “It Could Happen To You.” It was [...]