Have you ever encountered people who, upon discovering or perceiving your sexual orientation and/or gender identity, patronizingly inform you that they’re not judging you, or tell you that they’re praying for you without you having asked them to do so? Most of us have, either in the initial coming-out process or in the comings-out that often occur during the idle small talk that we engage in upon meeting a new person for the first time.
Blogger Danielle Morantez is no exception. She started her new blog, Confessions of an Over-Sharer, as a place to chronicle her journey as she writes her memoirs, but it quickly transformed into a space where she discusses parenting, gender, stereotypes, and all sorts of personal stories. After she came out as bisexual and began writing about her experiences in a non-monogamous marriage, she received an off-putting message from an erstwhile friend who felt “called” to tell Danielle that she was not judging her, but that she was praying for her.
Morantez posted her response in an entry titled God and I are fine. It’s worth reading in its entirety, especially if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of similar remarks. Here’s just a snippet:
“I find it hard to believe that ‘God’ calls anyone to say anything to another person out of judgement. I used to use this term in a self-righteous way to push my truth onto other people. It took me a long time to see what I was doing. I think that saying that we are called to do something is just a way to hide behind God. Perhaps you think you don’t look nearly as mean if you say something awful in a nice tone because God told you to — oh wait — no, you still do. If you feel the need to say something to me, please have the courtesy to tell me yourself; I am not interested in what you think God wants to tell me. God and I are fine.”
What about you, dear readers? Have you ever experienced a scenario similar to the one Danielle did? How did you react? If it happened a long time ago, would you react differently in the same situation today?
kind of similar but I think everyone got this at some time.
For years while the show Will and Grace was in production, strangers who I would meet and who found out I was gay would invariably tell me….”oh we watch Will and Grace” as if it was some sort of badge of courage.
I got to the point with those people to trying to find out where they were from and the environment they lived in.
Almost to a person they were the “self styled” coolest people in their backwater berg and were going to go home and tell their friends about hanging out in a gay bar (or with REAL gay people) because it would “shock” their friends who would never DARE to try that.
this is goes along with the straight women in “mens” bar thing, we are not animals in a petting zoo; just because we are gay does not mean it is cool to stare at us and “watch us in our natural habits”.. ARRGGGHHHH
Mikenola, I think you’re being ungrateful. I think you should be happy to meet people who are supportive of you, accept you as an equal and who feel honoured hanging out with gays even if they are a little clumsy in expressing that.
Yes, but Priya, it gets old after a while. I don’t know how many straight female friends I’ve had over the years who refer to “their gays” or “my best gays”. Now they have kids and their “best gays” are “the guncles”. It is othering. Why can’t we just be friends or uncles?
I’ve had religio’s say that to me “I’m praying for you”
My stock response is
“I’d rather you didn’t. You’ll just be wasting your time.”
Ungrateful? Perhaps. But true.
Jared said “Why can’t we just be friends or uncles?”.
Because they want to express to others that they are gay accepting. For me, even if I found it annoying I’d accept it because it comes from a place of pride in knowing and accepting you.
When a Christian offers to pay for my soul, I thank them and offer to perform a Wiccan ritual and make an offering to the Goddess on their behalf to return the favor.
That was supposed to be “pray”.
I have experienced it at various points. I always interrupt them and tell them that I don’t believe in their god either.
So that makes me a gay atheist – that sticks in the craw of the religious like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve been accused of evangelism, cupidity. But then I’m out there – I take no s**t from anyone.
I’ve been out for a l o n g time and have never experienced any of that. If anyone was ‘bothered’ by it, they kept it to themselves. I usually don’t ‘tell’ people, I just say things that make it known, like ‘my partner Stephen and I …’ etc.
Thank you Priya, I am proud to call you my Indian friend. :)
I distrust those who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. ~ Susan B. Anthony
“I was called by god.”
No you weren’t.
My response is usually along the lines of “if you feel the need to pray for my lost soul, go right ahead – JUST DON’T TELL ME ABOUT IT. I don’t want to know.”
Jared said “Thank you Priya, I am proud to call you my Indian friend. :)”.
That’s nice to hear.
I’m so sorry you guys have to put up with that BS.
@pryia lynn…grateful? being an attraction in a petting zoo is nothing to be grateful about. Neither are “girls nights out” and “stagette parties” clogging up the gay bars.
Just because YOU want to feel cool or feel “safer” in a gay bar is no reason to think we should be grateful to you.
you’re pretty pathetic if you feel gratitude towards people who treat you as “one of those” they can crow about to their friends.
Mikenola, if you want to make people who support you hate you instead don’t let me stop you.