The shockingly cruel letter below, from a father to his newly-out gay son, has been spreading like wildfire through social media. When I first saw it posted on the Facebook profile of Hudson Taylor, an all-star wrestler and outspoken gay rights supporter, I knew I had to share it with you because it serves as a stark reminder of why the fight for LGBT equality and against religious extremism is so critical.
Incidentally, this letter also hits very close to home: my husband’s father sent him a similar note in 2006 in response to an invitation to our wedding reception. Although he didn’t disown Michael completely, he did spout all kinds of homophobic bile about how our love was an insult to God and to the faith of his parents, how being LGBT was a “choice,” and how I was not Michael’s husband, but his “friend.” Oh, and he wouldn’t be attending our reception.
Needless to say, Michael was stunned and deeply, deeply hurt. Their relationship has never recovered. Equally needless to say, I — being the fiercely protective spouse that I am — wrote Michael’s father a stinging (private) reply that put him in his proper place and demanded the basic respect that any decent excuse for a father would give to their child and that child’s spouse. In the handful of occasions we’ve crossed paths since, he’s never dared to speak to Michael in such a hateful, hurtful way again, which is very wise of him.
So my heart breaks for this faceless James, wherever he is. I wish I knew how to contact him, because if I could, I’d mail him a handwritten letter of my own:
James,
I can’t imagine how much pain your father’s letter must have brought you. But he’s wrong: you’re wonderful — beautiful — just the way you are.
Love,
John
That is so wrong! I guess I never realized how blessed my brother (a gay man), and I (a bisexual woman) were to be born to parents who love and accept us for who we are. I really hope he knows how wrong his father is, and that he IS a beautiful person!
Dear James,
There is nothing wrong with you, you are a perfect human being. Please don’t let any part of this letter affect you, we know it will; just put it into perspective. One day, your Father will come around, trust us – it always happens.
Many Blessings, wherever you might be.
Hugs, Brian and Rick
Hsinchu, Taiwan
Your husband is a lucky man, John.
My wife received a similar letter from her mother upon coming out as trans. The both of them continued to try to see eye to eye for awhile, and then my mother-in-law simply cut off all contact. It’s a shame, but fortunately my side has been supportive of the both of us for a long time now.
[...] John M. Becker at Truth Wins Out shares a personal story, and adds: The shockingly cruel letter below, from a father to his newly-out gay son, has been spreading like wildfire through social media. When I first saw it posted on the Facebook profile of Hudson Taylor, an all-star wrestler and outspoken gay rights supporter, I knew I had to share it with you because it serves as a stark reminder of why the fight for LGBT equality and against religious extremism is so critical. FacebookTwitterMoreDiggEmailPrintStumbleUponReddit [...]
The father currently has an extremely limited version of what gay people’s lives are like, and is heavily influenced by others’ views of gay people. He has swallowed the media’s portrayal of “the gay lifestyle” line, hook and sink. Severe homophobia frequently means deeply repressed homosexual feelings. The gay son will have to understand that his father has a huge problem which the son did not create. Unfortunately, the same problem gets in the way of their family ties, but losing loved ones is part of life. The son may hope that one day the father will become educated about the subject of homosexuality, but there are no guarantees. The gay son may have to accept the current situation as permanent, which is one of those tough aspects of life. It is necessary to grieve the loss just like a death in the family and life will go on.
Dear James,
As you grieve the loss of your father, I hope you will focus on the fact that, by speaking the truth to him, you have gained the ability to live authentically.
And while I wish you could have both your father and your honest, authentic life, being true to oneself is ultimately what matters. I can’t imagine your pain because I did not have a similar experience when I came out to my parents. But I do know that “Family” is not only something we are born into. Family is the community we build. It is the friends we nurture. Family is– and will be– whatever you make of it.
I rarely write responses to posts but I was compelled to after reading your father’s ugly words. Trust that you are fine and good. And that your honesty will attract people to you. People who will love and respect you. People who will embrace you. People who will turn to you for support and people who will in turn support you. And these people will be lucky, as you will be lucky. Because they will be your family.
My best to you at this difficult time,
Ken O’Neill
Dear James,
What your father did was unconscionable and I can only imagine the pain it caused you. I wish I could find some words of comfort, but everything I can think of appears to have been said already. So I’ll just add my two cents: it has been my experience that a lot of us LGBTs perforce form our own families made up of partners and friends, and often those family ties become stronger than blood.
Just know that there are a lot of us out there who support you. Living authentically is in a lot of ways its own reward. If the only way to keep a parent’s love is to remain in the closet, it isn’t worth keeping in the long run, because the closet is a slow and painful death of the soul and spirit that no one should have to endure.
Love, prayers, and friendship to you.
Scott Amundsen
Fuuny this article should be here. Yesterdaqy, I came acroos the leter I had written to my parents over 34 years ago. Basically, I said “Look. I’ve tried and you’ve made it clear you’re not interested. Don’t expect to see too much of me.”
Eventually, they more or less came around, but then reverted to their earlier positon. I just stoppped communicating with them. (This is the shortest version). I had limited contact with them over the next 20 odd years.
What was interesting to me was that I didn’t miss them. Eventually I realized that the gay issue was just what they needed to hand their hats on. The REAL issue was our hwole relationship. I suspect that this is often the case, but it takes something like this to see it.
I had been a good son, a straight A student, an athlete, never in trouble, in all ways a successful product. Their attitude never made me sorry that I was gay, it just made me sorry that they were my parents.
And isn’t that just too sad?
My condolences on the loss your father is choosing for both of you because you are living your one and only life authentically.
I’ve always believed that the aphorism about “…you can choose your friends, but your stuck with your family” is wrong. Continue to choose as family those worthy of giving and receiving your love. Forgive those who choose fear over love, and remember that when fear knocks on the door and love answers, no one is there.
I guess totally rejecting your own flesh and blood IS a natural ‘lifestyle that God intended’ !?
I bet ‘Dad’ would have stood by his son and visited him in prison if he had murdered someone or committed armed robbery; but, Gay–kicked out like last week’s garbage. ‘Dad’ is the one who is sick and unnatural, definitely not James.
Dear James.. You are loved by God and thousands whom have read the letter. God bless you and Peace be with you. Your Friend, Pam
Verily doth Juh-HEEE-suhs’s voice THUNder down the corridors of time: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.”
So see, even Juh-HEE-suhs said ya GOTS ta hate to follow. An’ iffens the Buh-BYE-buhl says it, an’ the Buh-BYE-buhl don’ts lie, why ya best be a heedin’ it iffens ya doan wanna go ta HELL!!
… or some such well nigh unutterable b******t.
Oh… the GOS-puhl reference is Luke 14:26 and the above quote is from the NIV version, said version being one of MANY approved by the Holy Spoo… er, Ghost.
I never got a letter like this, but it is similarly understood. I do get mothers day, fathers day, Christmas, and birthday cards that I send to my parents sent back to me with ‘return to sender’ in my moms handwriting. However, being disowned for me was not necessarily bad. Chosen family is far more family than biological or legal family and the moment we (as queer/trans/intersex/kink/alternative/ally/etc folks) understand and are honored for standing up for ourselves and removing ourselves from a hostile environment the more happy, productive and successful we are able to be. I never closed the door to my family, if they ever decide to be welcoming I’m here. I’ll always send cards etc as of now it’s all up to them to be willing to accept my presents and likewise accept my presence.
That’s heart-breaking! I can’t say my immediate family (except my little sister) has exactly embraced my sexual orientation, but there was never any danger of being disowned. I hope James is OK!
Koomah, that’s exactly how I felt. but come back they never did. As far as I could tell, they lost a lot more than me.
Dear James,
Love whomever you choose, and continue to be true to yourself. You are a perfect and whole human being as long as you give and receive love unconditionally. Your father is the loser here. Mine chose to stop speaking to me when I was 23 years old because I fell in love with someone. He went to his grave without ever speaking to me again. That was 32 years ago. It took me a long time to realize it was his issue and not mine. Were you my son, I’d have thrown you a huge party. xx
James:
This is not love. As your sperm donor’s Bible so precisely says: “Love is patient, love is kind…”
Namaste,
Mellissa
August 8th, 2012
Re: (Anti-bullying) ‘Rights of Equality’
Hon’ble Consulate, thank you for allowing this communiqué on the rights of equality. As it’s always the hope of all beings to understand that all entities are equal in the eyes of the Universe. As it’s to be understood that all entities are driven by the law that embraces all beings as equal in the cosmos. Thus it has knowingly been said by ancient scholars of the past that a preconditioning of suffering and imbalance causes a denial of the individuality which’s the substance of the Universe. . . i.e Thenceforth it may knowledgably be understood there’s no “sexual definition” in the Universe. . .
As the mother of five equally loved and cherished children, four straight, one gay (deceased, and how we miss him, still, after nearly 20 years), I can’t even grasp the cruel ‘parenting’ that would reject a gay child. Our gay son was our firstborn, and as the other four kids were born, the bond among them all just deepened and grew. When our son died at age 36, our hearts all broke with the loss of this adored big brother, treasured son, always ‘there’ for his siblings, no matter what problem any of them might have. Mom’s and Dad’s pride in him and love for him was, and is, overflowing.
To all you beloved GLBT dear ones reading this, please know that you are perfectly created in the flawless Image of the Lord who makes NO mistakes. Live out your invaluable, worth-filled lives in this truth.
The comment above by Lois leaves me deeply touched. Thank you for posting such an affirmative message.
Lois,
That’s absolutely beautiful. It brought me tears.
I copied the father’s letter and sent it to all my own very supportive relatives and told them how lucky I am.
This came off Reddit, posted by the user RegBarc reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/xspz1/5_years_ago_i_was_disowned_via_letter_when_i_came/
While tragic and an abandonment of parental responsibility, this is not hate. Just a man who does not know what love really is.
And this has nothing to do with the “fight” against those that beleive differently from you. Shame on you for making this tragic family affair political.
Hello Frank. Welcome to Earth. Here on this lovely blue and green planet, we value families and LBGT children more than anyone want love and acceptance from their own parents. Sadly, so-called christians are told to disown and push away their own children against the advice of their leader Jesus who said ‘suffer the little children to come onto me’. So the LBGT community must fight the dark forces to help parents love their children. That is a noble goal we LBGT humans take very seriously and we are winning that fight, although too slowly.
I hope you can take this message back to your galaxy and tell the other poor blind creatures that live there that Planet Earth will soon base families on just on love (acceptance) not hate (arbitrary rejection).
Frank, its pretty pathetic that people like you keep trying to trivialize such offenses as merely “beleiv[ing] differently from you.”. You’re not fooling anyone Frank, people like this father are evil.
Frank seems to think that when a man calls his son’s “lifestyle” degrading and disowns him just because he’s gay, gay people are “politicizing” and acting inappropriately by talking about it as a gay issue.
Gee, I wonder what Frank would consider appropriate for gay people to act upon and discuss. It’s as though he doesn’t actually want gay people to talk about gay issues.
many of my friends and loved ones were disowned by their family. i, myself, was kicked out at sixteen and my sister ended up living with me over the whole thing. despite how much it hurts and how difficult it is, there will always be people who will support you and love you like family.
right now i am going through a rough patch because my roommate who lost his father who always supported him and in fact, referred to me as his son. unfortunately his current wife does not like us and does not want us involved in memorial, funeral and contesting the will for it was apparently written under duress. it is a shame she is making a difficult time even more difficult and hurtful.
The above posters who assured James he can find his own family of choice who will offer the love and support we all need are absolutely correct.My own gay family is my real family – there in good times and bad, at Christmas dinner and when times are difficult.I simply can not comprehend a so-called “father” such as he who wrote that terrible letter. My own life is blessed with 5 adopted gay sons who are the continual joy of my partner’s and my own existence. They are a blessing to us such as can not be truly described and I would do anything for them. James’ father, given such a son turns against him! What a foolish, impoverished,spiritually ugly man. Difficult though it will be, James must count himself fortunate to be well rid of him. I know that is much easier said than done because some of our sons have similar birth parents and the pain is always there. Be assured though, James, that there are good, kind and loving people who will accept you for the beautiful, courageous person that you are and will become your REAL family. Be open to the possibilities and ready to accept love and it will find you. Avoid bitterness and despair.They are the tools with which evil people such as your unfortunate birth father use to try to destroy you. Don’t do their work for them. Put aside such tools and seek positive and affirming people. They are not far to find. Love wins, in the end.