Republican presidential contender Newt Gingrich on Saturday said the adoption of same-sex marriage in New York showed the nation is “drifting toward a terrible muddle.”
Saying he thinks marriage is between a man and a woman, he told reporters that he “would like to find ways to defend that view as legitimately and effectively as possible.”
He defends that view by finding a new woman to marry every time the current ball and chain ends up going into the hospital for life-threatening rather than plastic surgery purposes.
There are two really interesting articles in this past Sunday’s New York Times Magazine dealing with the intersection of religion and sexuality, and both merit a careful look. In another piece, I’ll examine the one about gay activist turned “ex-gay” activist Michael Glatze, but that’s going to take some time, so I’m tackling this one first. It’s about the idea of therapists — not complete wingnuts, mind you – helping clients either stay in the closet or live lives which are completely counter to who they really are, based on the clients’ religious desires to remain “pure.” Or something. Let me say on the front end that this article makes me want to throw things, because it elucidates so clearly the harmful effects that fundamentalist religious indoctrination has on people. Having experienced such indoctrination myself, it makes me furious, but simultaneously grateful that I was able to, over a period of years, to abandon that indoctrination entirely.*
The article presents us with a conundrum: what to do when a client comes in and can’t balance their religious indoctrination/beliefs with their sexuality? Which wins out? How do good, well-meaning therapists treat these clients for whom tweaking the specific doctrines of their religious beliefs isn’t an option? As it turns out, some mental health specialists have some ideas, but I don’t think they’ve found the answers yet:
“I’m a very strong believer in people’s rights,” [therapist Denis Flanigan] said one gray morning at a Starbucks in Houston. But during his early training, he encountered a few clients who either would not come out of the closet or suffered mightily when they did. Christians of the kind who earnestly believed that the Bible deplored homosexuality were particularly troubled as they tried to reconcile their faith with their sexual orientation. The more Flanigan studied this conundrum, the more he came to see it as intractable. Some gay evangelicals truly believe that to follow their sexual orientation means abandonment by a church that provides them with emotional and social sustenance — not to mention eternal damnation. Keeping their sexual orientation a secret, however, means giving up any opportunity to have fulfilling relationships as gay men and women.
“When these clash, what do you do?” Flanigan recalled thinking, and when he began to research the topic about a decade ago, he found few answers beyond the obvious. Antigay religious groups would not condone homosexuality; they thought gays should just give up their orientation, and the most extreme among them offered frightening “conversion” practices. Nonreligious gays thought the conflicted should just walk away from churches that won’t accept homosexuals as they are. “Which trumps which?” Flanigan asked himself. “Religion or sexual orientation?”
So basically, the approach they’ve taken is to focus on the client’s needs and desires first and foremost. Is the religious angle so important to them that they want to find a way to be authentic within that framework? Are they looking to keep a job in that religious framework while remaining husbands and fathers in public?
“Psychological ethics say that we’re supposed to support religious beliefs and support sexual orientation,” Flanigan told me. “But there was nothing I knew of that says what to do when they conflict.” As far as he could tell, the only choice those people had was to give up one or the other.
Here is the tragedy in all of this. They’re working with these clients, trying to meet them where they are, but they’re addressing none of the root causes of people’s anguish, which is caused by religious indoctrination. It’s sad that there are so many people brought up in those sorts of environments, where the idea of “Christian love” has a lot more to do with judgment and guilt than it does with any human definition of “love.” It should be taken as a given that this article is dealing with grown-up, reality-based mental health professionals, so the crock of shit known as “ex-gay” or reparative therapy is not even on the table. No, that has been successfully laughed out of intelligent, educated company in this country, and for good reason.
So these mental health professionals are essentially helping people stay in the closet. That might be a band-aid, but it’s not a solution. The difference here is that we’re dealing with therapists who actually do mean well and have their clients’ best interests at heart, unlike the Joseph Nicolosis of the world, who go about their work with the empathy of common sociopaths. Another therapist, Douglas Haldeman, discusses the approach he came up with to deal with these sorts of cases:
Haldeman found in his research that the vast majority of people seeking to change their orientation held strong religious beliefs; often, these were married men with families who grew up in a church and who felt that they had far too much to lose by coming out.
[...]
In other words, Haldeman was certain that conversion therapy didn’t work, but he wasn’t sure that gay-affirmative therapy — helping gay clients to see that their discomfort with their orientation might come from internalizing a prejudice — would help them find peace of mind, either. In these circumstances, Haldeman tried a different approach.
[...]
The approach Haldeman used was, in the therapeutic parlance, client-centered; that is, the client’s desires took precedence over any values or opinions held by the therapist. So if John wanted to be a gay man who lived as a straight man, Haldeman would help him become that person.
I said before that this article makes me want to throw things. It still does. I was raised in a marginally conservative home, but ended up being exposed to seriously hateful religious indoctrination in high school in two churches I was involved with. Perhaps it was because I’ve always been strong-willed that I was able to at least put the self-hatred I had learned, along with the religious spew, in order to at least start on the journey out of the closet. It makes me seethe knowing that there are others who truly believe what they have been taught, that who they really are is unworthy of God.
Again, these therapists are certainly well-meaning, as they try to find answers for how to treat those who have been spiritually bullied and abused into believing that self-hating religious beliefs are truly what is best for them, or worse, that those beliefs are actually true in any sense. But the mental health community doesn’t have the real answers yet, possibly because we still haven’t wrapped our heads around the notion, in this nation at least, that spiritual abuse is itself a sickness inflicted on unwitting individuals. And as you read this piece, you’ll see that this sort of “client-centered” therapy leads to some serious double-lives, some grade-A hypocrisy, in the pursuit of giving these poor souls a little inner peace.
Warren Throckmorton is discussed in the piece as well. Most of you are familiar with him, but if not, in a nutshell: Warren is a Christian psychologist who used to preach the “ex-gay” nonsense, but became disillusioned when he realized that the luminaries of the fundamentalist/”ex-gay” industries are common liars, and started to question everything he thought he knew about human sexuality and its intersection with religious faith. In the section about Throckmorton and Mark Yarhouse, our own Wayne Besen is quoted:
Yarhouse and Throckmorton came up with what they called sexual-identity therapy (SIT). At first, Yarhouse told me, many left-leaning therapists saw SIT as a trick — conversion therapy by another name, and many remain skeptical: Wayne Besen, the founder of Truth Wins Out, an organization devoted to debunking the ex-gay ministry, told me that though he respects Throckmorton, he still believes that SIT is just another way of encouraging repression. “I think Throckmorton means well and really wants to help people reconcile their faith and sexuality,” Besen said. “However, the more appropriate way is for people to find a more moderate religion that doesn’t force them to live at cross purposes with their sexual health.”
Therein lies the rub. Some people of faith are raised to view it as a source of comfort, support, love and fellowship. The fundamentalist world is lacking in those departments, though, if you don’t easily conform to their definition of “normal.” The sad thing, though, is that while Wayne is completely right about the best way to handle these things — find a more moderate religion, do some research and go through the long, arduous process of abandoning religion altogether, etc. — some people are just far too tortured by their religious faith to do so. Abusers like to break their victims down until they feel that they are powerless and weak without the abuser around. You see this with abusive husbands, child rapists and anyone else who gets off on controlling people. These are also the hallmarks of fundamentalist religious indoctrination. Find comfort from the pain at the source of the pain, etc.
I wish I had the answers. Instead I just encourage the mental health community to keep working on their side of it, keep trying new things that, above all, respect people’s integrity and their true selves. The good news is that more and more people are abandoning religious fundamentalism every day, so future generations of Americans, perhaps, won’t need such therapy as much. Moreover, more and more people are getting the counter message of love and acceptance and equality — the It Gets Better project comes to mind — far earlier, even while they’re still being drowned in the baptismal font. The bad news is that as they lose power, religious abusers are digging in their heels and will certainly be around to hurt a few more generations of their own gay offspring.
I quoted liberally from the article, because it’s long and hits a lot of topics, but you all should take the time to read it if you haven’t already. We all have a lot of work left to do.
*I also abandoned religious faith in general, but that’s not the point, as there are several valid ways to unshackle oneself from religious indoctrination. My atheism has very little, if anything, to do with my sexuality, as I didn’t actually become an atheist until age 28, nine years after I came out of the closet.
This morning, my friend Anne Gullick, co-chair of the local chapter of the Tennessee Equality Project, and I went on Live at 9 in Memphis to discuss Tracy Morgan, anti-gay bullying and what it’s like for gay youth when they hear negative messages about who they are from people they respect. One thing I talked about with hosts Marybeth Conley and Corie Ventura was that we still have a situation in places all over this country where the life of a gay teen is often luck of the draw — some of them have the love and support of their friends, families and churches, and some instead hear negative messages from all sides about who they are.
Louis C.K. was always one of those comedy names I was vaguely aware of but nothing had heretofore compelled me to pay attention. Apparently I wasn’t missing anything:
Hilarious to whom? I mean, what person with a developed sense of humor found Tracy Morgan’s tirade funny? That was precisely the problem, and what [apparently] better comedians than Louis C.K. immediately understood. I mean, even Chris Rock got it, and apparently Chris is Louis’ former boss. Maybe Chris could clear up his confusion.
UPDATE: Commenter Alonzo points out that Louis C.K. indeed does have a history of grasping these kinds of issues, and provided this handy little graphic with a great quote from the comedian:
Which leads me to ask again: What about what happened with Tracy Morgan is so complicated that Louis doesn’t get it? The problem. Was. That the rant. Was not part. Of the comedy. Routine.
I have made the point repeatedly throughout this situation, that this has absolutely nothing to do with the content of comedy routines. I indeed told another commenter directly that I believe that there should be no topic off limits for comedians. The only ground rule is that, if you’re going to be super-offensive, you should also be, you know, FUNNY. This was more of a Michael Richards meltdown situation, i.e. not comedy.
Kevin talked to Radar yesterday through e-mail and expressed his thoughts at this point about Tracy Morgan’s apology and subsequent actions to right the wrongs he committed in his anti-gay tirade onstage in Nashville:
Radar: Tracy Morgan says he plans to travel to Nashville to meet with those he offended. Do you plan to meet with him?
Kevin: You know as much about him coming back to Nashville as I do, so at this point I can’t answer that.
Radar: If you do meet with Morgan, what would you tell him?
Kevin: That I hope he understands that his words have consequences and there is a difference between joking and ranting.
Radar: Do you accept his apology?
Kevin: He appears to be genuine in his actions to this point past the apology. His words had meaning that night and the words from his apology have meaning as well. Hopefully one was not to be taken at face value and the other to be.
Radar: What did you think of NBC’s and 30 Rock star/creator Tina Fey’s response?
Kevin: I appreciate their response and fell that Tina Fey was sincere in that response and am glad to know this is not the Tracy Morgan she knows.
Radar: Do you think NBC should fire Morgan or perhaps sanction him in some way?
Kevin: I hold no ill will towards him and hope that only going forward he shows a little bit more restraint. I don’t believe he should lose his job.
Kevin and I are corresponding daily and Truth Wins Out will keep you posted on what comes next in this story.
Ari Ezra Waldman has a good piece up at Towleroad this morning which explains the likely reason why the bigots are appealing Ware’s ruling on their ridiculous notion that Walker should have recused himself because he’s gay. Pointing out that Ware’s decision was a “wholehearted beat down,” Waldman explains the obvious — they have no chance on appeal. But Charles Cooper, attorney to the bigots, likely knows this:
Appeal such a wholehearted beat down? Does he think he will get any more sympathy from a panel of Ninth Circuit judges who have known Judge Walker for years and have, in any event, already invested their court’s own time and effort into this case?
It is hard to imagine Mr. Cooper really thinks he can win. If he does think so, he is simply a bad attorney. But, by filing an appeal, he may be a master strategist. The Prop 8 proponents know that they are fighting a losing battle — their attorneys were inept at trial, failing to offer evidence; they have no real arguments on their side; all three judges on the Ninth Circuit panel to hear the standing and merits were skeptical. The only hope is to delay, to delay same-sex marriage for so long, to frustrate the gay community so much, that we make the first mistake.
Aha! Well then, let’s just not make the first mistake. I mean, we’ve shown over the last few years that pretty much all the brains in this battle are on our side. We can do this! Read Waldman’s whole piece, please.
In this last segment of Anderson Cooper’s stellar series on the “Sissy Boy Experiment,” in which discredited laughingstock George Rekers used a live child to test his ridiculous, bigoted theories about “preventing homosexuality,” which allegedly caused so much long term damage to the child that he committed suicide as an adult, Anderson speaks to Truth Wins Out friend Jim Burroway of Box Turtle Bulletin, who has done extensive research on Rekers’ experiments and their effects.
This is great news for the fight for marriage equality in New York:
ALBANY — Sen. Roy McDonald declared his support for same-sex marriage Tuesday, leaving the bill one vote shy of Senate passage.
“I’m not out to alienate anybody. This is driven by compassion,” the Saratoga Republican said. “I’m not out to hurt some gay guy, gay woman. Live your lifestyle. That’s not my lifestyle, but God bless ‘em — it’s America. Be nice to people, and let’s all just live our lives.”
[...]
McDonald said his decision was based not on political concerns, but personal evolution. He has grandchildren who have been diagnosed with autism. He said the personal connection with their challenges has made him think differently.
Two senators, Mark Grisanti and Stephen Saland, remain in the “undecided” column, so if you’re wondering whom to contact, there you go.
“New York’s legislative session isn’t the only thing that ends next Monday–so could the state’s definition of marriage. After a frantic month of lobbying, the state senate is teetering dangerously close to passing a same-sex “marriage” law. Two years after voting the measure down, homosexual activists are back. And this time, they have the support of four senators who helped kill the bill the last time around.
“Three Democrats and one Republican (Sen. James Alesi of Rochester) say their opinions have ‘evolved’ and now pledge to make New York the sixth–and largest state–to legalize counterfeit marriage. Part of the reason for that ‘evolution’ is the grassroots involvement. According to local leaders, the Left has been pumping calls into their offices. In 2009, Sen. Joseph Addabbo said that values voters had overwhelmed his phone lines with opposition. This month, he told the New York Times, there was no contest. More than 4,830 anti-marriage activists asked him to vote in favor of it.”
It’s funny because he acknowledges in that last part that his entire movement has lost steam. It ain’t comin’ back either, Tony.
There’s going to be a lot of talk in the coming days about the new conservative victimhood meme — oh you haven’t heard it? Conservatives are the new bullying victims! You see, conservatives are now having to fight for their rights to employment and housing, and they face a hard road coming out as conservatives: some kids are bullied so much for being conservative that they end up taking their own lives; others are rejected by their families and kicked out to live on the streets. Moreover, hate crimes against conservatives are now the most common kind of hate crime, which is bit confusing for them, as they oppose hate crimes legislation.
Of course, all of the above is laughable. No gay person, activist or not, has ever tried to take any fundamental right away from any conservative Christian person. There is a debate to be had, surely, over whether fundamentalists actually understand where their rights end and where the rest of the nation’s citizens’ begin, but I don’t want to have it right now.
Instead, I want to spotlight the story of Iowa teen Ben Alley, who just graduated high school with a 3.25 GPA and is on his way to the University of Iowa. You see, Ben had the misfortune of being born to a Southern Baptist and his wife, who kicked him out onto the street when they found out he was gay:
Ben Alley misses his parents. He’s 18 and just graduated from East Marshall High School in Le Grand, with scholarships to almost cover his costs at the University of Iowa. It’s a time for open houses and pride. But he won’t be getting that from his once-close family — the Southern Baptist minister father and the mother who home-schooled him early on.
They’re not dead; he’s dead to them. In sophomore year, Ben informed his parents that he is gay. They informed him he wouldn’t be coming home after school the next day — or ever again.
[...]
Ben’s is actually two stories in one. The first is about a kid rejected, homeless and compelled to live independently at 16, requiring him to take a late shift job at Walmart to help cover costs. That meant most nights he didn’t start homework until 10:30. It’s about a young man raised in a home where being gay was considered “right up there with being a child molester.” At age 10 he was told by his mom that he didn’t deserve to live anymore, after she caught him experimenting with a boy the same age. Later, when he fought depression, counselors told Ben, “You’ve been taught to hate everything you are.”
Yeah. But please, let’s have this conversation about fundamentalist Christians as bullying victims. It should be entertaining.
