Linda Harvey, America’s most homophobic woman, may also be our nation’s most delusional citizen. For the last couple of years, she’s been pushing the idea that gays and lesbians actually don’t exist, that we’ve all been brainwashed into thinking that we do, and that we’re really all, at heart, straight people. In a new column today, Linda expounds on this idea, and we shall now have some fun with it:

lindaharvey Linda Harvey Believes All Gays Are Closeted Heterosexuals

Stop laughing, y’all, she thinks she’s a professional writer with something to say. Let’s find out why Linda Harvey thinks that I, who have known I was gay since gym class in seventh grade, and whose efforts to date women before I came out of the closet were, ahem, a bit of a failure to launch or even be interested, am secretly a straight man.

Remember that Nobel Prize winner, the scientist who discovered the “gay” gene? I’m having trouble coming up with the name.

It’s because there is no such researcher, since nothing like a “gay gene” has been found. Surely, with the Western elites’ affection for “gay rights,” a Nobel Prize would be the reward if such a discovery were on record. If Barack Obama can get one for doing nothing, this mythical researcher would be a shoe-in.

That’s because the science is more complicated than that. People who bandy about terms like “the gay gene” betray their fundamental ignorance of how genetics works, but then again, no one accused Linda of being scientifically literate.

But it hasn’t happened and it won’t, because there’s a simple fact of human life: We are created to mate with someone of the opposite sex. Any other sexual practice is artificial and often harmful, and the confused folks with those desires need a reality check. It’s totally possible to leave it all in the past, as the world’s many ex-homosexuals have done.

All the world’s many ex-homosexuals, the list of which seems to have been misplaced by Linda and her entire cohort.

But try to tell that to the Human Rights Campaign, GLAAD, and the various self-important “gay” bloggers. With claws and teeth exposed, the monster purveyors of “tolerance” try to come off as noble moralists, but confront them with the truth and the artifice falls. Their reactions are violent for a simple reason: fear.

Violent? No, Linda, I’m not being violent, or baring my claws and teeth. I’m not even angry. I’m listening to Miles Davis and trying to get through your column without laughing. Indeed, the gay rights movement doesn’t claim that there’s a “gay gene,” because we have actual science on our side, and again, genetics is more complicated than that. Linda is free to peruse the actual science on the issue, but she won’t.

They wonder if they might actually be heterosexuals after all.

I am failing at making it through this column without giggling. I’m still not mad though. The Miles Davis song switched and now I am listening to the jaunty guitar stylings of Rodrigo y Gabriela. Why do we wonder if we’re really straight, Linda?

With the upcoming Winter Olympics, not only do the Russians have to figure out if/when radical Chechens may incite violence, they have to keep an eye on the “LGBT” folks, too, not necessarily for terrorist acts, but just for generally annoying disruptions.

The international outrage of homosexualists is being unleashed on Russia because of a new law. Russia actually allows open homosexuality among adults, but passed a law recently prohibiting the promotion of homosexuality to minors. So what’s the concern?

The concern is that the Russian government apparently has bought into the stupid, discredited myths propagated by people like Linda Harvey, that state that gays have to be recruited, and that if the gays can’t “recruit,” then homosexuality will die out. This is startlingly incorrect, and it’s sad that people who think they’re educated buy into it. There will still be LGBT youth in Russia, no matter what anybody does, and passing laws denying them access to real information and support will leave a trail of depressed, lonely kids. Some of them will become statistics. If Linda Harvey truly doesn’t understand this, she should stop talking and do some research. If she does understand it, then she’s a more malicious soul than even I expected.

Other concerns are already coming to fruition, as vigilantism is the natural next step for people who are being brainwashed into believing that the gays are coming for the kids. We’ve seen it play out time and time again, and it’s gruesome. Keep telling us why that’s okay, Linda:

Don’t we all want the best for children? Apparently not. The fear of the pink mafia is that the soft underbelly of their movement will be exposed, showing they badly want to influence children and also that there’s no inborn homosexuality. This reality is the backbone of the new Russian law, because children can be influenced toward harmful behaviors that are unnecessary, unnatural and harmful.

Let me repeat that: unnecessary, unnatural and harmful. No teens are born to be “gay.”

What did I just say above? In the real world, we know that, regardless of whatever factors come into play, there will be LGBT people, and they will realize it, just as we all did, somewhere in the teenage years or earlier. Our only concern with kids, far from “recruiting” them, is to protect them from people like Linda Harvey, the purveyors of hate and condemnation that lead to the higher suicide rate among LGBT youth. It’s not a confusing chicken-egg situation, Linda. You’re simply lying to people, and you justify it because of your hatred. I don’t know what happened to you earlier in life that led you down this path of hate and disinformation, but I’m sure it’s something that could be worked out with a good therapist.

Of course, Linda won’t do any of that. Instead, she’ll continue to insist that gays recruit kids and that, if we didn’t, there would be no more gays in the younger generations, just as she did in her book. And the LGBT kids of her fundamentalist cohort will continue to be rejected from their families, driven into depression, spiritual torture and, in some tragic cases, suicide. In 2014, we can be grateful for the fact that the number of families who would buy into Linda’s nonsense is at an all-time low in the United States, but we must fight for the LGBT citizens of nations without as much access to education and opportunity, nations that Linda’s cohort are currently preying upon.

Horrors, comrade! “We can’t let anyone figure this out, not while all this television coverage is going on!” HRC must be thinking. So the perpetually ticked homosexual movement will screech, prance and whine, accusing everyone in Russia of mob attacks, or human rights violations, or whatever.

Nope, that’s not happening, and the HRC isn’t thinking that. Linda Harvey is simply doing what she does best:  making shit up. Of course, she also gets in a childish dig at effeminate gay men with her “screech, prance and whine” comment. She’s a grown woman, but you wouldn’t know it from her writing.

This is how bullies behave. They push others around as a cover for their own weakness.

I couldn’t come up with a better description of the American conservative anti-gay movement if I tried. Thanks, Linda.

America is just now beginning to see this movement for what it is.

Wingnuts keep saying that, as if they think that if they repeat it enough times, it will come true. America continues to support full equality in greater numbers, year after year, but wingnuts seem to be holding out hope that suddenly America will turn on us. That’s not how movements toward justice work, but it’s apparently a delusion they need in order to breathe at this point.

America is just now beginning to see this movement for what it is. When Vladimir Putin said that “gay” Olympic athletes and visitors have nothing to worry about in Russia as long as they “leave children alone,” he has framed the situation with a vital truth missing for years in the West. Children suffer for being exposed to and sold this deviance, because none of them have the “born-that-way” destinies Western and EU activists wish existed.

Yet again, no. LGBT kids are already all over Russia,  and they weren’t “recruited” into any sort of “destiny.” Sorry, Linda. This might be the case in the world you envision in your head, but not in the real world.

The infuriated “gays” are all closet heterosexuals, terrified someone will find out and blow the lid off this movement.

And now I’m laughing again, and still not infuriated. If that’s the case, I guess Linda’s just broken the story and it’s not a secret anymore. The song has again switched, and I am now listening to that Russian closet heterosexual Tchaikovsky, who wouldn’t have thought he was gay, apparently, if a Pride parade led by Oscar Wilde and Walt Whitman hadn’t veered wildly off course, resulting in Tchaikovsky’s tragic “recruitment into the homosexual lifestyle.” If only they’d had people like Vlad Putin and Linda Harvey to protect them in the 19th century…

Remember that decades-old standby claim of the “gay lobby,” that those who concentrate on exposing and fighting the homosexual agenda must harbor repressed “gay” desires?

Only some of them, the ones whose absurd lies and prurient obsessions lead casual observers to note that they do seem to protesteth quite a lot.

Well, no more so than plumbers and auto repairmen might be called “obsessed” with pipes and transmissions. It’s because something is broken and needs to be fixed. And the brokenness is getting in the way of a functioning pipe, car – or culture.

Yes, the weirdest anti-gay activists are strangely obsessed with pipes and plumbing. I’ll give Linda that one.

Also, is it me or is Linda’s column jumping all over the place? Perhaps a kind editor could introduce her to the concept of an “outline.”

When Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty made his now-famous remarks about the realities of male and female anatomy compared to male homosexual sex, he told America the truth. Human design points in a direction that is non-”gay.”

Only if you’re scientifically illiterate. The science of human sexuality points in a direction in which homosexuality, bisexuality and heterosexuality are all naturally occurring phenomena. I know, I know, it’s those liberal elite scientists again. Why would we listen to them when we could instead learn about human sexuality from a man who has made a fortune creating products that make ducks think you want to have sex with them?

And it was with this idea that I wrote my new book, “Maybe He’s Not Gay: Another View on Homosexuality.” It’s primarily for teens. The goal is to bring facts, logic and sense to the table, because our teens deserve to hear the whole story.

Yet from the outrage greeting the book you would think it’s a “how-to” for stoning, beheading and ritually torturing all effeminate males or “butch” females. The nasty articles and incensed reviews range from calling for banning the book (this from liberals) to declaring it the equivalent of child abuse.

It actually is child abuse, because it’s full of easily debunked lies aimed at demonizing LGBT people, and any family who takes it seriously will be aiding and abetting in the destruction of their kids’ lives. And it’s funny (not in a haha way) — in cultures that don’t have the constitutional protections of the United States, and where ideology like Linda’s is allowed to flourish, we are indeed dealing with increasingly brutal violence inflicted on LGBT people. Russia, for instance. Nigeria. Uganda. Jamaica. There is a very literal body count in those nations, and American fundamentalists are all to keen on helping out.

The pink mob trotted out falsehood after falsehood, from “KKK” to “Nazi.” And when that wasn’t enough, there were even comments on my hair. Seriously.

Oh, you weren’t getting that from professional writers, stop whining. That said, focusing on offhand comments about her hair allows Linda to ignore the very real criticism coming from many quarters.

After all these jumbled thoughts, Linda finally begins to wind her serpentine column down into some sort of crash landing, with a “Eureka!” moment of her own creation:

I’m thankful for the many positive reviews that shed light on the subject. One of these suggested I send an autographed copy to Vladimir Putin. I laughed. Then I thought, “Hmmm.”

Because as undependably humane the Russians are, as skeptical as we should always remain about any long-term trust, they have this one right, and they are not, so far, backing down. Children do not need homosexuality. Adults don’t, either.

People have emailed me: What drives these fanatics? Why are they so unhinged? It finally struck me. They are desperately afraid.

Of?

Conservatives and particularly those who adhere to Christian biblical standards understand that God designed Adam to seek and find an Eve. They ideally marry and experience companionship, love and sexual passion. Then come the new little humans.

New humans are an impossibility for two men or two women, even if the Supreme Court declares them “married.” No new life will ever result from these dead-end unions. At least one other person will always have to be involved to produce children.

The reality is, no one is a homosexual and everyone is a heterosexual.

Okay, if it makes you feel better to believe all those things. Of course, many gay couples are already raising children, and anyone who knows an amazing, loving, committed gay couple knows that our relationships are anything but “dead-end.” But let’s not let reality get in the way of Linda’s imaginary “reality.”

And those who have developed, fantasized and nurtured those “gay” feelings really don’t like reality. It makes them want to attack. Or it makes them start vicious organizations like GLAAD, to make the lies seem real and respectable.

It makes them stupid enough to try to take on the Russians. All I can say is, good luck with that.

That’s the end of the column? Geez, Linda. Whatever you say.