We in the blue states hear from the talking heads on Fox News and MSNBC that many of you in the red states are so distressed about the outcome of the elections that you would like to secede from the Union. Now, it seems that at least six of you — Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia and North Carolina — have submitted enough signatures (25,000) on petitions to the White House website to merit a formal response, with more petitions on the way. We wish you the best of luck with this. We feel your pain. If we can speak frankly, it’s been coming for a long, long time. The question now is: What’s next?
We’ll keep the West Coast, Nevada and Hawaii, New York, the rest of the Northeast and all the other states that turned blue on election night. You guys get Texas, Mississippi, the rest of the Confederacy and all the other states that turned red on election night. Alaska can do whatever it wants. It does what it wants anyway.
And no hard feelings, but what this means is that we’ll own 86% of America’s venture capital and have 92% of the young entrepreneurs. For the first time ever, we’ll get to keep 100% of our tax revenue (go ahead, look it up), and for the first time ever you’ll get the satisfaction of paying for your own schools, hospitals, military bases, bridges, highways, dams and flood control. This may strike you as a real hardship, but trust us on this one: Paying for your own stuff can be incredibly rewarding.
While VanDevelder’s piece is satire, it speaks a simple truth: “Shut up and act like Americans already.”
Of course, we know that these states aren’t going anywhere. And I’m not giving up lovely places like Charleston, SC and New Orleans without a fight! And, no, I couldn’t live without fried oysters.