Let The Red States Secede?

Writer Paul VanDevelder has had enough of the Red State cry babies whining about secession. In the Los Angeles Times, he says it’s time to let the Ann Coulter worshipers go their own way:

We in the blue states hear from the talking heads on Fox News and MSNBC that many of you in the red states are so distressed about the outcome of the elections that you would like to secede from the Union. Now, it seems that at least six of you — Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia and North Carolina — have submitted enough signatures (25,000) on petitions to the White House website to merit a formal response, with more petitions on the way. We wish you the best of luck with this. We feel your pain. If we can speak frankly, it’s been coming for a long, long time. The question now is: What’s next?

We’ll keep the West Coast, Nevada and Hawaii, New York, the rest of the Northeast and all the other states that turned blue on election night. You guys get Texas, Mississippi, the rest of the Confederacy and all the other states that turned red on election night. Alaska can do whatever it wants. It does what it wants anyway.

And no hard feelings, but what this means is that we’ll own 86% of America’s venture capital and have 92% of the young entrepreneurs. For the first time ever, we’ll get to keep 100% of our tax revenue (go ahead, look it up), and for the first time ever you’ll get the satisfaction of paying for your own schools, hospitals, military bases, bridges, highways, dams and flood control. This may strike you as a real hardship, but trust us on this one: Paying for your own stuff can be incredibly rewarding.

While VanDevelder’s piece is satire, it speaks a simple truth: “Shut up and act like Americans already.”

Of course, we know that these states aren’t going anywhere. And I’m not giving up lovely places like Charleston, SC and New Orleans without a fight! And, no, I couldn’t live without fried oysters.

8 Comments

Richard W. Fitch November 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm -

Well….it would put a new spin on “foreign travel”.
David K. November 19, 2012 at 2:26 pm -

I live in Texas and am a proud liberal. I know that these kooks may be loud but there are alot of us. Maybe even more of us than them. Some of us are actually loyal Americans who want a better future for our country, and we voted for the President that can do the best job. Congratulations to President Obama. These people will wake up like they did at the end of the Clinton Administration and realize the country is a better place than when he got it.
Wayne Besen November 19, 2012 at 2:29 pm -

David — I used to live in Texas, so I’m with you. Ironically, the real innovative parts of the state are blue — such as Austin and Houston.
Gary (NJ) November 19, 2012 at 2:33 pm -

Richard’s comment reminded me of when a friend of mine told me that his son, who was in the Marines during the Iraq War, was going to be sent to either Japan or Texas; and my friend said to me, “and they’re both foreign countries”. Laugh…
Wayne Johnson November 19, 2012 at 2:33 pm -

The division is not state by state, but urban vs rural. If Texas and Georgia secede, then Houston, Dallas, Atlanta, Savannah and every city will secede from those states to return to the US.

And what’s more, the vast geographic bulk of California, Oregon, Washington, Illinois, Minnesota, Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania will secede from those states to join the Confederacy.

Then what?
Richard Rush November 19, 2012 at 6:58 pm -

I’m hoping that at least one of the relatively useless states actually succeeds in seceding. The real payoff for the rest of us would be the likelihood that multitudes of super-Christian Republican nut-jobs will move to the new foreign country or countries. Watching all this unfold would be more fun than I could have ever expected in one lifetime.
Str8Grandmother November 21, 2012 at 12:13 pm -

Well if all the disgruntled would agree to move to Texas I’d be willing to give them Texas.
Craig Fox November 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm -

Trust me–going to the south is already like foreign travel. Instead of allowing secession, why don’t we start taxing low IQ and aptitude in order to encourage actual learning. The higher the score you get on standardized tests, the lower your tax rate! Require that the questions be based upon actual science and history and math. Knowledge of belief systems should be irrelevant. Most people seem unable to differentiate between facts and beliefs.
As a person who is unfortunate enough to live in a Red State–I am constantly amazed at just how uneducated many people are. Even college professors with PhD’s exist who cannot string 5 words together to make a sentence. Poor people vote conservatively because they either do not or can not understand what policy will be to their benefit. The GOP directs all of its appeals to emotions, not intellect. Democrats need to figure out some emotional appeals as well.