(Weekly Column)

The LGBT movement is slowly winding down and anti-gay activists are terrified that they might have to get real jobs.

If Hawaii becomes the fifteenth state to allow same-sex couples to wed this week, it will bring marriage equality from coast-to-coast-to-far away coast. This is happening at the same time that New Mexico’s high court is mulling over the issue and New Jersey just legalized such unions.

In North Carolina, the Buncombe County Register of Deeds, Drew Reisinger, became the first government official in the state to seek approval for granting same-sex marriage licenses. And in Texas, two gay couples filed a federal lawsuit this week hoping to overturn the state’s constitutional ban on marriage equality. Such efforts in conservative states face uphill battles, but if even one breakthrough occurs in the South, the game is pretty much over.

Professional homophobes usually don’t have great résumés or particularly useful skill sets, so I can understand their trepidation about finding a new vocation. For example, what would Peter LaBarbera (aka Porno Pete) say on a job interview?

“For the past three decades, I’ve been collecting mountains of gay porn magazines for ‘research’ and slithering about homosweaty porno pete American Homophobes Ruin Real Lives So They Won’t Have to Get Real Jobssexual S&M bars undercover. My great contribution to the world is that I taught people that gay men sometimes have sex in naughty places. I bet you didn’t know that?”

“That’s nice Mr. LaBarbera,” replies the visibly uncomfortable manager, “but what experience do you have making lattes?”

In order to stave off the inevitable, the anti-gay industry’s dead enders are embracing two options to keep their paychecks coming – with both roads revealing these cretins to be soulless cowards who delight in bullying those who they perceive as relatively powerless.

The first group they are viciously, and unfairly, attacking are transgender people. Their line of argument is that if Congress passes a bill to protect LGBT people from discrimination (ENDA), it will lead to vicious drag queens stalking school bathrooms for innocent victims. Official Southern Poverty Law Center hate group, The Family Research Council, has a web graphic that reads, “Would your child’s school ever be forced to hire a drag queen?”frcsp48lie1 American Homophobes Ruin Real Lives So They Won’t Have to Get Real Jobs

Hopefully, schools would act wisely and choose to hire a transgender teacher if he or she was the most qualified for the job. I can’t imagine why an intelligent parent would care if the algebra teacher was trans, if he or she increased the likelihood of getting their child into college.

As soon-to-be unemployed extremists at FRC begin to test the tight job market, maybe we should make web banners that say, “Would your child’s school ever be forced to hire a hate-mongering anti-gay drama queen?”

Researcher Alvin McEwen has discovered ads where the Religious Right claims that if ENDA is passed, new bathrooms would have to be installed, including those that are for “She-males.” The issue of predatory drag queens lurking in the can is one of those pressing issues that the less-enlightened half of America loves to obsess over – another being the need to take drastic measures to stop the imminent spread of Sharia law in Oklahoma.

In reality, ENDA could potvcenda2 American Homophobes Ruin Real Lives So They Won’t Have to Get Real Jobstentially lead to a few gender-neutral restrooms – which, of course, I predict would catch on like wildfire. Most people would be overjoyed with having a private restroom to do their business. The only dissenters would be on the Religious Right, who for some bizarre reason seem to worship the secret joys of communal crapping and bitterly oppose gender neutral restrooms.

The second vile option for anti-gay creeps to keep the money flowing is terrorizing LGBT people in Russia. Leading American homophobes are working through the insidious American Congress of Families to ensure that LGBT people live in fear.

Ironically, these uber-Americans are praising Russia for its fascist anti-gay laws, while ignoring that nation’s dismal record on human rights, political liberty, and economic freedom. Czar Vladimir Putin’s police state is rife with Neo-Nazis who promote racism and ultra-nationalism. Political opponents are harassed and arrested. And, free speech and an independent media are quaint notions that are redefined daily by whatever mood Czar Putin is in.

What does it say about our homegrown bigots when their anti-gay wet dream can only be achieved in a nightmare nation like Russia? Does the putrid example of “Putinism” represent kind of corrupt and crazy government they aspire to export to the U.S.?

From this illuminating experience, we have learned that the American flag our foes have long waved with such fervor was only for show. Their vulture-like values represent the antithesis of what this country stands for.

Given their creepy obsessions, I can understand why these zealots don’t want real jobs. However, in their lust not to earn honest livings, they are still ruining real lives.