Peterson Toscano has a real knack for clearly explaining the “ex-gay” survivor experience. Check out his video:
When an ex-gay survivor shares an account of how they tried to change or suppress their orientation or gender non-conforming behavior, some gays and lesbians respond–That’s CRAZY! Why would you ever do something that STUPID!
Indeed, it may seem illogical that intelligent queer folk living in modern times get duped by promises of heterosexuality or vaguer promises of “change.” Some just chalk it up to that Old Time Religion that makes people do silly and self-destructive things. But it’s not that simple.
After spending nearly twenty years deeply entrenched in the ex-gay world, attending multiple Exodus programs, including the Love in Action residential facility for two years, I finally came to my senses and came out of the closet. I then began to ask myself–WHY did you do that to yourself? Why did you let ex-gay ministers and gay reparative therapists tamper with you.
When Michael Bussee and other Exodus International co-founders and early members admitted that Exodus’ reorientation counselors had failed to change their sexual orientation, one might expect Exodus to have compassionately asked what it had done wrong, help counselees find competent therapists, and take responsible action to ensure that any future counseling actually worked.
And considering that Exodus boasts that it supports families and friends, one might expect that Exodus helped Bussee’s parents, siblings, and wife adapt.
That’s not what happened.
Bussee’s siblings kept their kids away from him and deprived his mother of a family Thanksgiving dinner. His mother felt worse than when his father died, and said she wanted to drive her car off a cliff. Bussee’s sister said she would pray that God makes him miserable for the rest of his life — just as Exodus president Alan Chambers and Focus on the Family activist Mike Haley do today. Bussee’s wife and her church sought to prevent him from having any custody.
Exodus exiled Bussee, and continues to exile whistleblowers and to threaten counselees with ostracism and prayers for damnation.
How Exodus treated Bussee then, it continues to treat people today:
In terms of Exodus’ response, I got this very loving letter from Frank Worthen of Love In Action telling me that I was cursed, I was an anathema, that I had forfeited my salvation and he ended the letter with very graphic descriptions of the flames of hell that awaited me and he said that his heart was going to be grieved to see me pushed into the fiery pit by the angels on the final day. He’ never apologized for that.
A small group of fellow Exodus ministry leaders came to my house and sort of begged me to turn back. And I told them that there was no turning back, that I had never changed, that I was never really ex-gay and I was just accepting the truth about myself. But they made that one attempt, I think they felt biblically obligated to plead with me one last time but then after that nothing.
So when [my partner] Gary and I left we were pretty much abandoned.
Support is slowly building from LGBT groups and affirming therapists for people who are abandoned by Exodus — but no one tells them that.
I didn’t get a warm welcome from the gay community because I didn’t know there was a gay community to become a part of so it was a very isolating kind of experience. I’ve talked to people who are considering, even now after 30 years of marriage, after presenting themselves as ex-gay that are considering coming out and leaving Exodus, but they’re terrified of that abandonment they know they’re going to experience. And they’re terrified of the rejection by family and friends and it’ a real fear.
For the decade since it was co-founded by the religious-rightist Family Research Council, Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays has criticized the more mainstream Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays because P-FLAG’s parents love their children unconditionally — and because P-FLAG parents refrain from bullying and cajoling their teen and adult children into seeking discredited forms of “therapy” from disgraced ex-gay therapists such as longtime P-FOX chairman Richard Cohen.
P-FOX encourages parents to blame one another — not biology — for their children’s sexual orientation. The organization warns its antigay parents (few of whom have ex-gay children) against trusting mainstream mental-health professionals to treat what is often the underlying cause of their children’s struggles: Depression and low self-esteem. Depression is viewed instead as a tool to make people unhappy enough with themselves to submit to abusive ex-gay programs.
P-FOX also dissuades parents from listening to their teen and adult children who have survived spiritual and emotional abuse under unprofessional and judgmental ex-gay counselors. Instead, P-FOX encourages parents to make life more difficult for ex-gay survivors, in the hope that escalating ostracism from family will force the survivor to resubmit to ex-gay abuse.
Some of these tactics are evident in P-FOX’s latest stunt: An article written by Jeanette Bakke, the antigay mother of former ex-gay Christine Bakke. Christine is co-founder of Beyond Ex-Gay, a support group for survivors of ex-gay abuse.
The mother protects P-FOX readers from exposure to her daughter’s experiences, by refraining from linking to Bakke’s extensive online writing and support work for survivors. Instead, she writes of her own self-pity and of her prayers that her “lost” daughter will one day be “found” by the source of the family’s spiritual abuse.
When contemporary Christian music singer Ray Boltz recently acknowledged the truth that he has always been same-sex-attracted, and that years of poor ex-gay advice failed him, ex-gay activist Greg Quinlan and Exodus national speaker Bob Stith responded with falsehoods and ostracism.
Former ex-gays are familiar with that sort of response: For decades, ex-gay organizations have cast out members who acknowledged the truth that ex-gay “therapies” almost never succeed and often harm counselees.
The Our Family Matters conference Oct. 22-25 in Nashville will bring together former ex-gays, gay people of faith, their families, and supportive clergy. Tennessee’s Out and About newspaper says:
Launched as a live version of Kim Clark’ acclaimed documentary, God and Gays: Bridging the Gap, the conference will address questions related to the relationship between God and the GLBT community. The event will include a film festival, live concerts, national keynote speakers Jack Rogers and Rev. Deborah Johnson, and three days of workshops.
Presenters will include Boltz, Exodus Love In Action survivor Peterson Toscano, Colorado ex-gay survivor Christine Bakke, Mary Lou Wallner (a mother whose ex-gay attitudes contributed to her daughter’s suicide), and former Exodus leader Darlene Bogle.
Former ex-gays are familiar with that sort of response: For decades, ex-gay organizations have cast out members who acknowledged the truth that ex-gay “therapies” almost never succeed and often harm counselees.
