Yay, because we were all wondering what he might have to say about us!  I like the way he says “less-bian.”

Remember, you guys, if you’re raptured on Saturday, take pictures with your cell phone!

[h/t watertiger]

If you have missed all of the wonderment that has been former SNL cast member Victoria Jackson over the past few days, please catch up, for she is doing it again, in her latest column:

Driving to the Atlanta airport, I thought about G, my lifelong college friend from Auburn. He drove with me cross country in my 1980 beat-up Toyota Starlet when I went to Hollywood to be an actress. He was the only person who believed in me. He knows all of my sins. I know a few of his. I always tell him I don’t believe he is “gay” – we went on a date once and even kissed. We wrote a screenplay together. He loves drama. I can picture him now laughing, “Victoria, what are you doing?! Your career! You’ll never work again in Hollywood! Oh, but Hollywood loves a scandal!” And, then the twinkle in his eye. I can see my best friend A, who I also tell is not “gay,” saying in his British accent, “Victoria, my shiny, shiny friend! I still love you!” and then the big hug!

I have a theory. Victoria Jackson is one of those women who was once in love with a gay man/many gay men, and has decided to cling to a very poor understanding of a very old book in order to make her feel superior/numb the pain of that rejection. It’s sad that she tells herself, and these men, that they are not gay, because, of course, they are. Anyway.

My cell rings. It is CNN. Oh boy. The liberal, left, propaganda channel! I’m sure this won’t be pleasant! At 5 p.m. I’m sitting in a studio at CNN’s Atlanta headquarters, looking into a monitor. I feel like I’m in the book “1984,” where the protagonist is being grilled and electrocuted when he answers the wrong way.

Victoria Jackson and Winston Smith: just alike.

The TV screen is showing the gay teenage kiss over and over and over. My dad limited my exposure to carnality during my youth – no TV and no PG or R movies. He said things you see stick in your head forever. He wanted me to have a virgin mind when I got married. Dad kept me innocent. That was his job. Maybe that is why I play “airheads” so well. I’m playing “innocence.”

I’d say it’s some sort of typecasting…

American children, with their blank slate, fertile minds anxious to learn and receive guidance and information, are being brainwashed by the secular-humanist media to be sexually promiscuous/ambiguous and anti-God. The innocence of an entire generation has been stolen. They will not know love letters, romance, purity or the blessings of following Jesus.

Yes, because people who have sex don’t write love letters or do romantic things.

It’s now 5:05 p.m. at the CNN interrogation room. In my ear contraption, I can’t tell when the blond lady is talking to America or when she is talking to me. There are all these noises, dings, zings, flashbacks, videos, her face, my face. I hear her shout, “Are you homophobic?!!” a couple times. Her eyes are full of hate.

Okay, so we’re still on the 1984 theme.  Since this was not the first time Victoria was in a teevee studio, I’m just going to go with the more obvious answer, that she’s lost it.

They support the Muslim agenda. However, Muslims kill homosexuals and behead women. When these pod people get confused, they shout, “Hate speech, bigot!”

And dang, she really is scared of them Muslims. Why do wingnuts actually believe that liberals support radical Islam? They always ask the clouds and the air around them things like “Don’t yew know Mooselems kill fags whah yew like them so much?!,” seemingly oblivious to the fact that the ridiculous nature of their question is exposed, within the question…

(The Huffington Post went so far as to say I “dislike sex”! Oh, do I? Ask my husband of 19 years!)

Ask her husband nothing, please.

Can’t one liberal stray from the pack and say, “Hey, Sarah Palin is the perfect feminist!” just to show they have a brain of their own?

No, because Sarah Palin is a moron, and decidedly not a feminist, thank you, moving on:

It’s like they all got a playbook to memorize, “Obama: good. Muslim: good. Christian: bad. Palin: dumb. Lesbian: good. Gay: normal. Climate change: man made. Capitalism: bad. Socialism: good. Beck: fear monger. Van Jones: never heard of him. Soros who? Bigot, hate speech, homophobe, border racist, tea-party racist. Black: good. White: bad. Latin: good. Oil: bad. Bank: bad. Rich: bad. Church: stupid. Guns: bad.” Whew! Got it!

Okay, now an actual liberal will do it:

Obama: Centrist, often annoying, panders to the Right way too much, but overall effective.
Muslim: One-a-them religions that’s got good people and bad people and in between people and whatever else, but that, as an atheist, I find preposterous, in general.
Christian: Same.
Palin: Dumb reality teevee star/job quitter.
Lesbian: Ladies who like ladies.
Gay: I AM THAT!
Climate change: Yes, man made, says science.
Capitalism: Effective when it’s strongly regulated in order to ensure fair play, etc.
Socialism: Also has some benefits, but you can swing too far in that direction, too. Hint: we are not there, or anywhere near there.
Beck: Crazed conspiracy theorist who makes a living off scaring the stupid.
Van Jones: Got screwed.
Soros: Not even sure what he looks like, but apparently he scares the panties off wingnuts, so I like him.
Bigots, hate speech, homophobes, teabaggers: bad.
Black: Is the color of my true love’s hair.
White: I AM THAT!
Latin: Dead language but helped me learn to talk good.
Oil: Yeah, our dependence on it really isn’t helping us out.
Bank: Where money lives.  Most of our large banks are pretty disgusting these days, though.
Rich: Can be good or bad, depending on the steward of the riches.
Church: For me, irrelevant, but to each his own.
Guns: I like ‘em, but like all liberals who like guns, I support super gun control laws.

Dear Victoria: Every liberal you ask would have different answers to a lot of those questions.

When I walk through the cavernous lobby to leave CNN, I glance around and no one is smiling at me. They look away, or they look mean. Pod people. No minds of their own. Brainwashed.

Oh, the poor thing! She really thinks everybody’s out to get her! Of course, her cousin commented on Truth Wins Out the other day and mentioned that Victoria thinks that Barack Obama has her house bugged, so maybe it’s time for the media to stop giving her airtime [guilty, I know] and instead get someone close to her to gently suggest psychotherapy.

The black guard won’t validate my parking ticket. He doesn’t smile. It’s 1984. I am in the movie “1984.” I’m the only person left on earth who can think for herself. This is eerie.

It’s good that she let us know the guard was black.

Actors play murderers, robbers and gossips, but the gay lifestyle is always glorified. The other sins always seem to be punished or redeemed, but TV shows never show the downside to homosexuality: the loneliness, shame, broken families and marriages, diseases.

Yay, it’s the wingnut talking points, from people who don’t really know gay people, about loneliness and shame and all that crap. My lord. And these are things that don’t happen to straight people, ever.

The shame does not come from “society” but from God. So, even if the gays get everyone in the world to accept their behavior as “normal,” there will still be shame, because it goes against God.

Haha, you’re going to have to prove that asinine assertion, crazy pants.

I was asked to do a lesbian kiss in a show once, and I said no. But, I’m guilty of being part of a few movies that may have been a bad influence on young people. I’m very sorry to anyone I led away from God.

Victoria, you’re leading more people “away from God” every time you open your mouth than you’ll ever know. You’re really helping people make the connection between fundamentalist Christianity and utter lunacy.

The liberal media cannot understand how a Christian can love a homosexual and yet not condone their lifestyle.

That’s because you don’t. You have “fundamentalist Christian love,” which is selfish, prideful and arrogant. In short, it’s not love.

Anyway, that’s basically where the piece ends, just as disorganized and full of word salad as it started.  I really do hope this is performance art.

I know, I know, dog bites man, etc.

New Harris Poll:

On the heels of health care, a new Harris poll reveals Republican attitudes about Obama: Two-thirds think he’s a socialist, 57 percent a Muslim‚Äîand 24 percent say “he may be the Antichrist.”

Yeppers, 24 percent think it’s plausible that Obama’s the long foretold spawn of the Red Horned Boogeyman.* One out of four! Think about it. At an average Republican party event, every fourth person thinks the President could possibly be a demon spirit masquerading as a man. Also? Thirty-eight percent think Obama’s “doing many of the things Hitler did.”

Here’s more from John Avlon, the author of the book Wingnuts:

The full results of the poll, which will be released in greater detail tomorrow, are even more frightening: including news that high percentages of Republicans‚Äîand Americans overall‚Äîbelieve that President Obama is “racist,” “anti-American” “wants the terrorists to win” and “wants to turn over the sovereignty of the United States to a one-world government.” The “Hatriot” belief that Obama is a “domestic enemy” as set forth in the Constitution is also widely held‚Äîa sign of trouble yet to come. It’s the same claim made by Marine Lance Corporal Kody Brittingham in his letter of intent to assassinate the President Obama.

This poll is the latest and most detailed evidence of the extent to which Wingnuts are hijacking our politics. It should be a wakeup call to all Americans and a collective reminder, as we move past health-care reform, that we need to stand up to extremism.

Oy. I keep recommending that we provide them helmets, but that would just devolve into another stupid argument about whether the government should provide them the helmets or whether the free market should provide them, and then we’d be talking about damn mandates, and they’d starting barking and drooling about socialism (67% of them think Obama is a “socialist,” naturally), and then Tony Perkins would start telling people that helmets are laced with embryonic stem cells and Michele Bachmann would refuse to wear hers because the helmets would be used to identify and pick up the new residents of the FEMA camps, and Sarah Palin would start dropping malapropisms all over the place since she doesn’t have Meghan Stapleton to translate her emissions from Princess Moose Burger into English on her Facebook page, and Bryan Fischer by that point will have devolved completely into posting YouTube videos of himself weeping and slapping himself in the face and whatnot, so FINE, we won’t even try to help the poor dears.

Bless. Their. Hearts.

I post things like this because it’s useful to remember that the great majority of anti-gay, anti-woman, and anti-human sentiment comes from the Republican Party. We have to understand that the sorts of insane beliefs that motivate wingnuts like Tony Perkins, Peter LaBarbera, Matt Barber, Maggie Gallagher, and a host of others, don’t exist in a vacuum. Pull the thread of one of their idiot conspiracy theories, and a whole bag of black helicopter tinfoil hattery comes out. It doesn’t matter which side you pull it from, either. Start with a birther, you’ll probably end up with a deather. Start with an anti-gay demagogue and you’ll probably end up with a misogynist pig who believes that Planned Parenthood is perpetuating a black genocide. The fact that not every wingnut is infected with every conspiracy theory doesn’t change the central point. It simply exposes where their dominant fears are.

Anyway. Night night, wingnuts, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bu…

OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT SHADOW MOVING RIGHT THERE!

Shhhh, wingnuts. It’s just a branch. See, outside the window? On the tree? There there. No, there’s no monster. No. There’s no Nicolae Carpathia either. That’s just a story, and it’s not written very well either, so why do you keep reading it? Now just sleep. And if you bother the liberals again with your crying, there will be no Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow night, got it? That sound? It’s just the house settling. I promise. No, it’s not an illegal gay immigrant having a socialist abortion atop a stack of Bibles. Where DO you get these ideas anyway?

(h/t Blue Texan at FireDogLake)

*Poll did not ask how many Republicans think Obama is actually Darth Vader or possibly Zuul. Obviously an oversight.