Truth Wins Out’s acclaimed Center Against Religious Extremism (TWOCARE), offers original, in-depth, and on-site reporting.

“Please, come join us,” insisted an attractive college student flashing her bright Aquafresh smile.

Before I was able to decline her friendly invitation I was gently pulled into a large prayer circle of thirty or so Charismatic Christians. “I’m sorry my hand is sweaty,” the girl said with a sheepish grin.

Those were the last words she spoke that I understood. We quickly surrounded a handful of young preachers who whooped and hollered before surrendering English for the unintelligible language of tongues.  The manic participants sounded like a cross between a prayer service and a Native American tribe preparing for battle.

Eventually, they raised their hands toward the sky pointing to God, which allowed me to escape and enter the seating area at Ford Field, where Lou Engle, founder of The Call, had gathered 27,000 fundamentalist Christians from across the nation on 11.11.11, a date that came to him in what he believes to be a divinely inspired vision. The majority of the crowd was Caucasian, however a significant number were African American. There was a large youth component, but the age of participants reached across the spectrum.

While I can’t speak for the entire conference, which was a 24-hour call to fast and prayer, I did spend 14 hours at Ford Field watching sermons, surveying sideshows, videotaping the gathering, and interacting with the hyped-up crowd. So, my observations, while not complete, do offer a significant snapshot of the 11.11.11 Detroit rally.

In a press release prior to the event I wrote that I expected 11.11.11 Detroit to be a “gay bashing” and “Muslim trashing” extravaganza. After all, The Call had chosen Detroit as its rally site in an effort to convert the region’s estimated 150,000 to 200,000 Muslims.

The Associated Press reported that Apostle Ellis Smith, Engle’s local “point person” for The Call, referred to Islam in a sermon leading up to the revival as a “false,” “lame” and “perverse” religion.

Engle had previously held an infamous event in Uganda that whipped up anti-gay hysteria. In 2008, the electrifying preacher organized a rally at San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium in support of Proposition 8, a successful measure to prohibit marriage equality in California.

To my surprise, the festivities, which were aired on God TV, were appreciably toned down. Sure, there was red meat on the menu, but it was not the all-you-can-eat buffet that I had come to expect from Engle and other leaders of the 7 Mountains Movement (aka The New Apostolic Reformation) that he is a key part of.

Indeed, most of the aspersions on Friday evening and Saturday were deliberately cast though euphemism. Homosexuality was never explicitly mentioned, but was instead lumped together with other “sins” under the umbrella of “sexual immorality.” Other times, speakers camouflaged their anti-gay agenda by simply saying they supported “traditional marriage.” During the entire time I observed the event there was not one reference to healing homosexuality and no “ex-gays” were trotted up on the stage to tell tales of how they “prayed away the gay.”

However, the Detroit Free Press reported that Apostle Smith claimed that at the event, “a lesbian came from the homosexual community and said she has never experienced such love. And she is now working to change her lifestyle.”

(I’m sure this alleged lesbian was very stable and well adjusted because it is common for healthy and secure LGBT people to spend weekends attending revivals that consider them demonic.)

The conversion of Muslims was also downplayed and “Dearborn,” referring to the Detroit suburb with perhaps the nation’s largest Muslim population, euphemistically replaced the word “Islam.”

It took several hours to figure out what was really going on – but I gasped when the disturbing pattern finally revealed itself. This elaborate show had all the trappings of a modern religious revival – from the thumping music to the two gargantuan video screens suspended above the enraptured audience. But this ostensibly religious event was little more than a political front.

Its real aim was to peel African American support away from the Democratic Party in a swing state during a critical election year. Not only is President Barack Obama’s reelection at stake, Democratic Sen. Debbie Stabenow is locked in a tight race that includes social conservative and former GOP Rep. Peter Hoekstra. This cynical revival was not about “values” — it was about votes. It was not about worship, but winning office for Republicans by promoting what writer Ed Kilgore called in The New Republic, a “big-God, small-government creed.”

The amazing part was that the audience seemed totally unaware of the underlying motives and machinations. After all, the words “Democrat” and “Republican” were never spoken and there was only one local politician identified on-stage. It seemed that even some of the minor speakers might not have been privy to the overarching strategy. Nonetheless, a brilliant display of political subterfuge was unfolding as the oblivious crowd bopped to Christian rock with their hands swaying above their heads.

This is not the first attempt of white fundamentalists to lure black voters away from the Democratic Party. Immediately following the 2004 presidential election, social conservatives made a strong push to lure African-Americans. Rev. Lou Sheldon, founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center hate group, The Traditional Values Coalition, hosted a right wing meeting of 70 black religious leaders in Los Angeles.

“In 2004, the religious right was concerned about re-electing George W. Bush,” said Al Sharpton at First Iconium Baptist Church. “They couldn’t come to black churches to talk about the war, about health care, about poverty. So they did what they always do and reached for the bigotry against gay and lesbian people.”

Unbelievably, at the Los Angeles meeting Sheldon played an anti-gay video featuring disgraced Sen. Trent Lott, R-Miss. Remember, Lott had to step down as Senate Majority Leader after he publicly pined over Strom Thurmond not winning the presidency as a Dixiecrat. African-American columnist Leonard Pitts put Sheldon’s power grab in perspective:

“Whether the issue was slavery, segregation, lynching, voting rights or housing discrimination, social conservatives have always taken a position that history later judged to be ignorant and flat-out wrong….which leaves me at a loss to understand why any African American possessed of a functioning brain would give this atavistic bunch the time of day.”

Still, the attempt was gaining some momentum until Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans, which badly frayed the burgeoning unholy alliance. The effort was further hampered by the emergence of Barack Obama as the Democratic standard bearer.

In this renewed effort in Detroit, Lou Engle and his minions were smart. They wisely figured out that direct attacks on the Democratic Party would not fly, nor would all-out verbal barrages against President Barack Obama, who still has strong African American support. They also understood that the baggage surrounding white Evangelical racism would have to be addressed and surmounted before real progress was made.

To overcome these obstacles and recruit African Americans to vote for the GOP they devised what seems like a five-part strategy.

1) Pick a key swing state with a beleaguered city that had an economically disadvantaged African American population

2) Create an emotional spectacle where tearful white people pleaded for forgiveness and repented onstage for past racism

3) Sharply define new wedge issue(s) and create a racially-based conspiracy theory that could ultimately be used against the Democratic Party

4) Exploit these emerging wedge issue(s) to the point they become more important than fixing the economy

5) Redefine voting criteria so candidates are primarily judged by where they stand on these wedge issue(s) – with the ultimate goal of leading many African Americans to conclude that they are best represented by the conservative GOP.

Lou Engle understands that much of Michigan is conservative. If he were able to peel off fifteen or twenty percent of Detroit’s black Democratic vote, he might be able to turn the state solidly red. The main wedge issue he selected to accomplish his plan is abortion. For good measure, he helped weave a conspiracy theory: Sinister white bigots who run programs like Planned Parenthood were using abortion to reduce African American birthrates.

“What Birmingham is to the civil rights movement, Detroit is to abortion,” bellowed Engle at the event. “Detroit has a calling…blacks and Latinos could lead the parade of history.”

Engle’s message was aided by a parade of socially conservative African American ministers.  One preached that black people must choose “BC (Biblical Correctness) over PC (Political Correctness).” The subtext was that the pro-life GOP is on the side of the Bible and thus should be the party of African Americans. Another pastor was even more explicit when he declared that African Americans had a choice: “God’s way or a political party’s way.” (Read More)

And what’s in Virginia?  Hmmmm, Liberty U and Pat Robertson’s empire.

And what’s in Colorado?  Hmmmm, Focus on the Family.

BLAME IT ON GAYS NOW, PAT.

Heehee.  Also, read Wonkette.

Having already lost the War On Scare Quotes, and rapidly losing the War On Gay People, wingnuts gathered at Liberty University this past week to declare war on the word “gay” itself.  This will obviously go well for them:

The conference took a turn for the surreal when panelists speaking at the conference suggested they stop using the word “gay” all together.

Leading a panel discussion at the national conference, Ryan Sorba, chairman of the Young Conservatives of California, made the following remarks:

Oh goody, Ryan Sorba always makes me laugh!

“‘Gay’ is a left-wing socio-political construct designed to create grounds for fundamental rights [based on] whimsical capricious desires. Gay identity does not exist.”

”Stop using the word ‘gay.’ Because, if we give them this term that is grounded in an identity we’re giving – we’re conceding that to the premise that it is an identity and the rest of the debate we’re on their ground — we’re on their terms. He who defines the terms controls the debate, and by extension, public opinion. What we need to do is state that this is same-sex attraction, or maybe the engage in same-sex intercourse, or sodomy — whatever word you’re comfortable using.”

Are Ryan Sorba’s sexual feelings “whimsical” and “capricious”? Inquiring minds would like to know, since he’s almost as fey as Tony Perkins. But I’m really liking this “stick our heads in the sand” approach he’s suggesting. If you don’t like reality, just pretend it’s not there! Aside from the fact that this is about as “new” for fundamentalist Christians as pathetic music and bad hair, I’m very entertained by the suggestion that somehow a few wingnuts eating donuts together are going to get even one person [who isn't already a wingnut] to stop using the term “gay” to describe gay people.

Later in the discussion, it was suggested that gays should also be referred to as “anti-Christian.”

Yeah, that’s going to work, since so many gay people actually ARE Christians, and moreover, the fantasyland Ryan Sorba has created where he believes he’s speaking for the majority of Christians also does not exist.

Keep failing, Ryan, and we’ll just keep winning.

Oh, do y’all remember the time Miss Sorba did this at CPAC?  This little temper tantrum never fails to make me laugh:

(The Awakening Conference was sponsored by the Freedom Federation and held April 15-16 at Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, VA. Truth Wins Out’s founder Wayne Besen reports live from the event )

If the Religious Right fringe one day establishes a theocracy in America, no one will be able to credibly claim that they did not explicitly broadcast their dubious intentions. Having just spent two days at “The Awakening” conference at the late Rev. Jerry Falwell’ Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia, one message was unmistakable: Many key Religious Right figures vehemently reject separation of church and state and believe America is a fundamentalist Christian nation.

“The Bible is the government of the people, by the people and for the people,” thundered Cindy Jacobs of General’ International from the stage. “I believe there is an awakening to do just that.”

What’ frightening is that many leaders on the Religious Right hold a basic belief system that is seemingly incompatible with democratic forms of government. Their central tautological argument is that liberty originated from God and so the only way to be truly free is through a theocratic system that honors the creator of freedom.

Huh? Exactly.

According to this mindset, God has ordained the faithful to be in positions of leadership, rendering any form of government that does not elevate these “chosen ones” or reflect their extreme views as illegitimate.

The Saturday night rally began with a surprising controversy. Lou Engle (pictured), the constantly rocking, intense, mustachioed cleric of The Call with the booming voice of a professional wrestler declared, “We are here to honor all denominations. There will be no tongues tonight.”

This left many in the audience offended, and well, tongue-tied. In a huff, several people stormed out of the main chapel. Sensing a gaffe, Engle soon reappeared on-stage and happily declared, “I apologize, we can speak in tongues!”

At this heavily advertised event, there was no shortage of the paranoid and prejudiced. But, one pleasant surprise was that attacks on LGBT people were on the decline. The crowd was more riled about President Barack Obama’ healthcare plan, which the Family Research Council’ Tony Perkins referred to onstage as “a socialistic time bomb.”

The big news at the conference came from Engle. While sitting in the audience during the “LGBT Agenda” breakout session, he spoke up and conceded that the next generation of evangelical Christians is largely supportive of LGBT rights (but not abortion). Engle said that when he preaches against gay people, the Christian youth often “rage against him.” Engle, a giant in right wing circles, said that the far right has lost on this issue barring a miracle, such as an intercession at a 500,000 strong youth rally. When he floated this idea to the activists on-stage, The Liberty Counsel’ Matt Barber said they should privately discuss such a rally after the forum.

Good luck with that idea, considering the breakout session at Falwell U. drew only 15 people. Virtually everyone in the small crowd was a hardcore anti-gay activist from groups such as Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX). Clearly, gay bashing was an issue that was not motivating many young people, as it has been in the past. (Although, it seems Engle’ group, The Call, may already be testing his intercession plan in Uganda) (Read More)

As Wayne reported below, he went to Liberty U in Lynchburg, VA (emphasis on the “lynch”) this week to a gathering of Religious Right crazies called “The Awakening.” He’ll have more to report in the coming days, but here’s what he’s said so far:

The big news here is that radical cleric Lou Engle of The Call conceded, at a the LGBT Agenda breakout session, that the next generation is largely supportive of LGBT rights. (but not on abortion) He claims that the far right has lost on this issue barring a miracle, such as an intercession at a 500,000 youth rally that Engle floated to the activists on-stage and in the audience. Matt Barber said they should privately discuss such a rally after the forum.

Good luck with that idea, considering the breakout session at the late Jerry Falwell’ university drew only fifteen people — two of whom were observers from progressive organizations. The rest of the crowd were hard core anti-gay activists from groups like PFOX.

Unfortunately, I was “outed” at the session by Lafferty which made me about as comfortable as a fly landing on a porcupine. She asked me if I had any questions. I looked around the room and saw no movable middle in this bunch, so I declined. I preferred to plead the 5th, to ensure I could attend the big rally that was planned for the evening.

Anyway, apparently Peter LaBarbera knows about it now, and he would like to share some of his thoughts on Wayne’s trip. Exciting, right? Don your hazmat suit, it’s Peter time:

Wayne Besen, extremist homosexual blogger and “ex-gay denier” (as Matt Barber calls those who shun the existence of the untold thousands of former homosexuals)

Emphasis on the “untold.” Also: unverifiable, invisible, imaginary.

has pulled off the granddaddy of all homosexualist spy missions.

As opposed to the leatherdaddy of homosexualist spy missions. That’s Peter’s territory.

Having apparently died [sic] his hair, growing several days worth of scruff

You dyed your hair, Wayne? Because, I mean…okay, yeah you look like a redneck in the picture, and I understand why you did that, but your hair looks like…your hair.

dawning [sic] shabby clothing

As opposed to evening shabby clothing. That came out later.

and sporting a backpack to appear as a Liberty University Student, Besen infiltrated the Awakening 2010 conference at Liberty University held this past Thursday and Friday [April 15-16].

By “infiltrated,” Peter means “registered for the conference, which was open to the public.”

With incredible stealth and skill

Ninja Wayne.

Besen was able to slip past the Awakening’ extremely tight security and blend in among the gathering of right-wing extremist homophobes.

Haha, pretty much, except that in the next line, Peter admits:

(The event was free of charge and open to the public.)

So which is it, Peter? How was this the “granddaddy” of all homosexualist spy missions, then?

Matt Barber has provided Americans for Truth with an exclusive account of the intense confrontation which followed (some of which will soon be available on archived video):

Exclusive right hook from the Bam Bam!

A few minutes after we began our breakout session on “LGBT’ issues, Wayne slipped in the back of the room, sat down, put his head down and began gazing side-to-side as if expecting to be knocked from his chair and dragged away at any moment. I immediately recognized him.

“As we were wrapping-up and preparing for questions, I “called Wayne out,’ announced that we had a homosexual activist guest with us and asked Wayne if he’d like to give out his Web site which he did. I told him “welcome’ and Andrea Lafferty then asked if he had any questions. He stuttered, stammered and in a nearly inaudible voice said, “uh, no.’ Poor guy looked as if he’d seen a ghost.

“Afterward I approached Wayne, shook his hand and told him we were very glad to have him. A few other people visited with him as well. He was clearly confused and taken-aback by the kindness he received. The cognitive dissonance on his face was evident to all as he’ apparently bought-in to his own hyperbolic rhetoric which demonizes Christians as “hateful, bigoted homophobes.’

See how nice Bam Bam and the bigots are? They didn’t even fire one shot. By the way, what cognitive dissonance are you talking about, Bam Bam? Because here is video from that same break-out session, where Andrea Lafferty and Bam Bam lied through their teeth, saying that ENDA would protect thirty sexual orientations including people who want to do it with amputees and animals. They may be so stupid that they don’t understand the difference between “sexual orientation” and “paraphilias,” but I doubt it. I actually spoke to a Liberty student who, having seen this video, found it to be grotesque:

(via Right Wing Watch)

So, I guess we’re supposed to be impressed that Bam Bam didn’t let his rage get the best of him when confronted by Wayne.

Whatever.

“Wayne asked for a picture, and I joked, “sure, as long as you promise not to Photoshop horns on my head.’ We visited a bit more and I told Wayne “God bless you’ and wished him safe travels on his way home to New York and on his upcoming trip to Ireland which he shared about. I have to say, although Wayne puts on an awfully tough front for his fellow homosexual activists, the guy was a real kitten in person and even seemed like he might be a genuinely nice fellow when you get him away from the safety and security of his computer.

Actually, we’re all really nice. But we also don’t shy away from defending millions of gay people, many of them still trapped in the closet of the Religious Right, from the bigotry of people like Matt Barber.

But you hear that, Wayne? Bam Bam says you are a kitten. Purrrrrrrr.

Anyway, Bam Bam talks a bit about how he used to be a skirt chaser, and then he starts making up stuff to fit his narrative:

Meeting Wayne in person, it was clear to me that he is searching. It is my hope and prayer that he and all who struggle with same-sex attraction, live a life of heterosexual or homosexual promiscuity or adultery, or anyone else for that matter, can come to know the life-changing, life-saving, life-making grace and redemption that can only come through surrender, belief and acceptance of Christ Jesus.

Uh. Wayne, did you know that you are “searching”? Or that you’re “struggling with same-sex attraction”?

What is it with fundamentalists that they all arrogantly think that people accept their absurd framework on issues of sexual orientation? Sorry, we’ll go with the real, grown-up scientists on this one.

“I pledge to pray for Wayne and would ask everyone reading this to do the same. The Lord could use mightily, this talented, passionate young man whom He knows and loves.”

Pray for me too, Bam Bam! I would like a pony. You’ve got a direct line to the big guy, so I’ll expect to hear whinnying in the front yard in about three prayers or so?

Thanks.

XOXO

For the past two days I observed The Awakening, a two day extremist conference that took place at Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA. In-depth commentary and analysis will be provided later when I return to New York City.

For now, here are a few pictures from the event. Yes, that is me posing with Liberty Counsel’s Matt “Bam Bam” Barber. In the other picture, Matt is with Andrea Lafferty of the Traditional Values Coalition and Rena Lindevaldsen, Esq.

The big news here is that radical cleric Lou Engle of The Call conceded, at a the LGBT Agenda breakout session, that the next generation is largely supportive of LGBT rights. (but not on abortion) He claims that the far right has lost on this issue barring a miracle, such as an intercession at a 500,000 youth rally that Engle floated to the activists on-stage and in the audience. Matt Barber said they should privately discuss such a rally after the forum.

Good luck with that idea, considering the breakout session at the late Jerry Falwell’s university drew only fifteen people – two of whom were observers from progressive organizations. The rest of the crowd were hard core anti-gay activists from groups like PFOX.

Unfortunately, I was “outed” at the session by Lafferty which made me about as comfortable as a fly landing on a porcupine. She asked me if I had any questions. I looked around the room and saw no movable middle in this bunch, so I declined. I preferred to plead the 5th, to ensure I could attend the big rally that was planned for the evening.

Check in later for more observations on the conference and rally.

Interesting – they have breakout sessions for dreaded “community organizers”. Didn’t Sarah Palin make fun of community organizers during her VP nomination acceptance speech?

From World Net Daily:

A new generation of Christian and conservative leaders will assemble for a key conference called The Awakening 2010 at Liberty University next week with the aim of taking their campaign far beyond the special documentaries created by D. James Kennedy, the campus outreach of Bill Bright and the church organization built by Jerry Falwell.

Mathew Staver, chairman of Liberty Counsel and event organizer, told WND that unless those who care about the traditional God-fearing United States start working now, it will go away.

“If we don’t stand for our core values, we’re going to lose them,” he said. “We’ll have an America we don’t recognize.”

Staver said this isn’t just a warning about the impact on the next generation or their children.

“This will be a different America … in our lifetimes,” he said. “Much has changed since the [2008] election, and we still have two and a half more years of this administration which is bent on reshaping America.”

He said Washington’s vision for the nation now is far afield from that of the Founding Fathers.

He cited a quotation from Benjamin Franklin at the signing of the Declaration of Independence: “We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.”

The conference brings together some of the top leaders of a long list of groups that have supported Christian and traditional values.

I wrote the other day about Alan Chambers’ bizarre talk at the Liberty University G-H8 summit. In case that left you wanting more, here’s Rena Lindevaldsen of Liberty Counsel* speaking for almost ten minutes about how, if Fundamentalists have to abide by the law in our secular society, it’s somehow a violation of their freedom of religion. Uh huh. Just to clear things up: religious freedom doesn’t include the right to lord your beliefs over other peoples’ lives. Note that every complaint Rena has about non-discrimination laws involves conservative Christians feeling the need to use their religious beliefs as a club to hurt other people. THAT is the freedom our opponents fight for. They’re not fighting for the right to believe and worship as they please. They have that, and they’ll always have that, because no one has ever threatened to take it away!

No, these people are simply children who refuse to learn to play well with others, and if I was their preschool teacher, I’d have a really hard time passing them.

Anyway, Rena goes over the Religious Right’s Greatest Hits:

1. Catholic Charities wouldn’t abide by the law in Massachusetts, so they cried victim when they freely chose to close their doors, thereby throwing children under the bus.

2. The photographer in New Mexico who broke the laws of the state of New Mexico when she refused to photograph a same-sex wedding. Was she a photographer working in a religious institution? Oh hell, of course not! She just thought she should be able to deny her services to any groups/people she doesn’t like, much in the way restaurants denied service to African Americans before the law compelled them to do differently.

3. The couple running the bed and breakfast in Vermont who opened their space for weddings and parties, oh, except that one time when (!!!) a homosexshul couple wanted to have their wedding reception there, so they said no, and used their religious bigotry as an excuse to deny that service.

4. The YMCA had to allow gay couples to have family memberships! OH NO! The sky is falling, and it’s like lions are personally eating Rena Lindevaldsen’s flesh!

What tedious whiners!

Anyway, here’s the video, if you want to watch it. She moans and groans about transgender people, GLSEN, Kevin Jennings, PFOX and some other bullroar. But again, notice that NONE of the so-called “religious discrimination” she whines about involves their actual religious freedom. It’s ALL about religious people being denied the right to their own self-appointed moral pedestal over the rest of the population.

(h/t Good As You)

OH AND ONE TIME THERE WAS THIS BOOK CALLED KING AND KING! HAVE WE WHINED ABOUT THAT ONE TODAY? Yeah. She whines about King and King. Again.

Seriously, these fools need some new material.

*Lisa Miller, your client, is still a kidnapper on the lam. Just pointing that out.

Good As You has the videos if you want to watch.

Highlights if you don’t want to sit through it, and I wouldn’t blame you:

(My editorial comments/snarkage in parentheses.)

Mat Staver makes unfunny wingnut jokes about Al Gore and snowstorms. Introduces Alan Chambers. (Jazz hands!) Alan Chambers makes unfunny wingnut jokes about Al Gore and snowstorms.* He reminds the people that Jesus died for wicked meanie gays too. Gives history of Exodus which notably does not include all the various “ex-gays” who now acknowledge that they were gay the whole time. Says “success” for Exodus would be for Exodus to go out of business. (Concur!) Three practical steps for Christians to reach out to the gays:

1. Get educated! Acknowledges that it’s hard to say this at Liberty University. (Because actual education does not happen there?) Acknowledges that they dropped the “change is possible” lingo, due to their lack of success, in a roundabout way. Says he wishes there was a step-by-step process, but he hasn’t found one. Gets confused about how many years he’s been Not Gay Anymore. Acknowledges that he will always be tempted by gayness, without saying it explicitly. But God gave him the power to deny who he really is! (Jazz hands!) Acknowledges that fundamentalist Christians don’t do well debating their anti-gay position, but doesn’t make the obvious connection that that happens because they don’t have the facts on their side. Acknowledges that “gay activists” tend to know the Bible better than fundamentalist Christians. (True! Also knowing more about the Bible than fundamentalists? Atheists.) “Ignorance will render us ineffective.” (True! But ignorance envelops your entire worldview, Alan!) Whoa, then the outline gets complex:

Five myths about gayness:

A. “Homosexuality is the worst sin of all!” God hates lots of stuff worse than gays! And he hates all y’all’s sins worse than gayness! Gays are bitter because Christians haven’t been Christlike toward gays. (TRUE! But sugarcoating hate and being nicer doesn’t actually make you any less hateful. It just makes you more deceitful, Alan.)

B. “Homosexuality is a choice SLASH isn’t a choice!” Apparently it’s a myth whichever way you say it! Teaches the people that nobody chooses to be gay. Says the truth is that he would never have chosen to be gay. Says he has never met anyone who WOULD choose it. (Hello, Alan, I’m Evan. If I had it to do all over again, and I was given the choice, I would choose to be gay. Yes.) Says that to say it’s NOT a choice is wrong too! He says he “decided” to see what the gayness was about! Decided to “get involved” in homosexuality! (Signed up on the sign-up sheet, auditioned, got cast repeatedly in the chorus, never in a speaking part, got bitter.) Likes to use the word “decision” rather than “choice.” Translation: Alan didn’t choose to be gay, but he decided to pretend that he isn’t anymore.

C. “Homosexuality is all about sex.” See, it’s right there in the word “homoSEXuality.” Homosexuality is instead about “trying to meet a legitimate need in an illegitimate way.” Alan’s dad is his hero, wants to be like him, but he didn’t know how to be a Dad, so Alan…became gay? WTF. Alan truly believes that he’s gay because he was looking for someone to love him. Says he wasn’t looking for “mutuality.” (What, then, would Alan say about the millions of gays and lesbians who don’t have such hard knock sad sack stories about their emotionally distant fathers, and who actually, simply, are looking for/have found mutuality in their same-gender spouses? HOLE IN YOUR ARGUMENT, CHAMP.) Says he was looking to fill the hole left by his father with a man’s love, which led to wanting to have sex with men, but he didn’t want to have sex with his dad, but the need for the love of a man became sexualized because? Oh, no reason! (Fail, Jazz hands, Fail.)**

D. “Homosexuality is determined by one thing.” There is not a gay demon! (Of course there is. I call him Giorgio.) Acknowledges that there have been “counseling practices” that have hurt many people. (Exodus?) “Why does it matter whether gayness is genetic?” Alan says it doesn’t matter. Compares it to alcoholism, kleptomania, rage, obesity, cancer…so even if gayness is genetic, it doesn’t make it right! (Yes but how does homosexuality hurt people, Alan? Show your work and prove that it’s actually the sexuality that caused the hurt.) “Does research and science trump the word of God?” Says that they don’t. (HOLE IN YOUR ARGUMENT, ALAN: If we accept that the word of God represents reality, and research and science are explorations of reality, then research and science should confirm said “word of God,” and if it doesn’t, you only have two choices: 1. See if you’ve been misinterpreting the text, in light of reality. 2. Consider the possibility that the word of God is imaginary.) If Rogaine is strong enough to conquer lady baldness, then Jesus is strong enough to conquer Teh Gay! (Going to have to see the peer-reviewed study on that one, Chambers.) Alan “wraps up this point” by saying that homosexuality is “multi-causal,” but please understand that he did not spend one minute in the last section proving this point. Outline fail, Jazz Hands.

E. “The opposite of homosexuality is heterosexuality.” Alan prayed for years and years for God to make him straight, but He didn’t. (God fail.) Alan says he is more normal than his brothers and sisters. (Steer clear of the Chambers clan, is the moral here.) Alan’s journey wasn’t out of homosexuality (TRUE!), but “to the cross.” (Yes, but! Many gay Christians have also made that journey without renouncing an integral part of their being.) Acknowledges that he still thinks guys are hot (that he’s “tempted”) again. But says that everybody is tempted! Says that 40% of the people who look for help from Exodus are married already. Says you can’t hide from your gayness in marriage. (TRUE!) Can people become straight, though? Alan says yes! He thinks his wife is downright snazzy! But his marriage isn’t about heterosexuality! (Heh.) It was about “mutuality” and a “conglomeration of God’s best!” (Sounds like V-Day’s gonna be HOT at the Chambers house.) Says he will always be attracted to guys, but it doesn’t affect his marriage. (HUH? Let me tell you something about straight women, Alan, ‘kay? Straight women are not fulfilled by husbands who actually, in reality, are into guys. Just so you know.)

2. Finally back into his “three points.” Evaluate your attitude. Stop being so mad, you guys! Says they all get mad too much and have bad attitudes. (Concur!) Says that if people aren’t angry about “things” that “happen,” then they’re not paying attention! It’s just like the story of Jonah or something. You see, God thought it would be funny to deal with Jonah’s poor attitude by letting him get eaten by a whale. Then he preached a bad sermon? I don’t know. Gays probably should hate fundamentalists, says Alan! (We don’t hate you, Alan, we just want you to know that you can be free from your fundamentalist self-loathing.) Says gay jokes aren’t funny. “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” isn’t funny, it just makes you look like a buffoon, says Alan. (TRUE!)

3. Evangelize. Five keys to evangelizing to gays, oh god. (I am so missing men’s speed skating for this. I expect gift cards.):

A. “It’s all about relationships!” Develop a relationship with people before you tell them they’re going to hell! (See what I mean when I say “trying to be nicer and sugarcoating hate doesn’t make hate less real, just more deceptive?” Yeah. And a worldview that preaches that entire classes of people are going to hell is inherently hateful. Sorry, fundies!)

B. Be vulnerable! If you want to change a gay, you need to tell them about how you have a hard time with stuff, too! (I’m paraphrasing, heavily, yet keeping the spirit of the original text.) Do you have stories to share about your anorexia, your divorce, your porn stash, your tawdry affair, your drug habit, etc. TELL A GAY!

C. Don’t place your timeframe on others. Don’t put gays on a schedule! If you give them a timetable, then the terrorists will just wait until you leave?

D. Focus on what’s most important. Don’t debate with gays over whether or not they’re Christians, if they say they are. WAIT ‘TIL LATER, if they refuse to hate themselves for being gay. If they’re not Christians anyway, maybe you shouldn’t talk about homosexuality anyway. Just proselytize about Jesus. “Straight people go to hell too!”

Some time passes, because I had to hit pause on the video and go refill my drink because I was laughing so hard at that quote.

Okay, back!

E. You gotta have a plan! Some story about “Church of the open sore” or something. Leper colony? Derno. Watching downhill skiing now. Church is for everybody, not just for dirty gays. “Sin doesn’t happen in a vacuum.” Walk alongside your adopted gays! He’s not talking about how to make plans or anything, so I guess he just needed a fifth point.

And he’s done! Finally! See, now you don’t have to sit through an hour of Jazzhands McGay.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

*For any who are unclear, here is how snowstorms happen: Warm moist air from one area collides with cold air from another area. Snow results. Therefore! Warmer years produce crazier snowstorms! Ta-da. It’s actually really elementary, but you have to pay attention in school, or, you know, go to a school that teaches science. Also, it helps if you’re not an easily led wingnut.

**It’s only been in recent years that men in our society have been given permission to show emotion, to drop the societal expectations that a father must always be stoic, etc. The truth of the matter is that if you’re a man around Alan Chambers’ age, chances are that your dad was probably kind of distant, authoritarian, etc. It was simply the accepted societal construct. I might also add that it’s been like that in Abrahamic religious tradition pretty much since the inception of each religion. So why isn’t everybody gay, Alan? Seriously. I can think of two grandfathers in my own family who were notoriously distant, from everything I’ve heard. By Alan’s “theory,” all of their male offspring should’ve been gay. Not the case.

As if we had not suffered enough inclement weather, citizens of Lynchburg, Virginia and South Bend, Indiana will get “ex-gay” snow jobs this weekend.

In Lynchburg there will be a conference on Friday, “the Consequences of Same-Gender Attraction.” The hate-fest will feature Exodus International’s President Alan Chambers, (pictured) who is using this opportunity as a warm-up act for an April trip to Belfast, Ireland.

Hasn’t Chambers’ irresponsible outfit caused enough problems already in places like Uganda? How this man wakes up in the morning and can look in the mirror without feeling deep shame, (not counting the shame he internalizes over his sexuality) I’ll never know. It takes a special type of human being, one with out a conscience, to consistently lie to himself and others.

I’d like to remind the good folks of Lynchburg, that last time Liberty University tried the ex-gay thing, it didn’t go so well. Their “pray away the gay” poster boy was a man named Michael Johnston. He now lives in a sex addiction facility in Kentucky, following a slew of bareback orgies with men. Here’s the mini-movie:

On Saturday, the Liberty University Law Review will host a legal symposium entitled “Homosexual Rights and First Amendment Freedoms: Can They Truly Coexist?”

Of course they can co-exist, unless your religious beliefs and practice are defined exclusively by violent anti-gay animus. If you believe the First Amendment allows you to harass, intimidate, torment and physically abuse LGBT people then there is a conflict. Other than that, there’s no problem.

So, why all the fear-mongering?

It seems quite obvious that in states with laws that protect citizens based on sexual orientation, people are still free to pray any way they wish. But, reality has never been the Religious Right’s cup of tea.

If you are fortunate enough to be around at 1:30pm on Saturday, you will catch a panel featuring arch-homophobes Robert Knight (pictured) and Elaine Donnelly, “Hire Them and Don’t Fire Them: How Homosexual Rights and Privileges Have Eroded Employers’ Rights and Destroyed Religious Freedom.” (Read More)