TOPEKA — In a stunning about face, the Westboro Baptist Church announced today that their decades long campaign against gays, soldiers, Jews, Catholics, American flags, joy, and Lady Gaga was all an elaborate prank. “We were just fooling!,” said Shirley Phelps-Roper, daughter of Fred Phelps and frequent spokesperson for the group. Phelps-Roper added “Psych!” and did a little dance.
The about face came as a surprise to gay activists and anti-gay leaders alike.
Linda Harvey, of the anti-gay MissionAmerica, reached for comment on Thursday, said “Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on! I’ve been marketing a watered down version of…a prank?” Evan Hurst of gay rights organization Truth Wins Out was more measured in his reaction. “Really? That’s sort of LOL, now that I think about it,” said Hurst, dryly.
For the Phelps clan this coming out party is a blessing on many fronts. The patriarch of the clan, Reverend Fred Phelps, heaved a sigh of relief and said that coming clean will offer him an opportunity to make the last fifth of his life count. “I’ve always wanted to join the Peace Corps, or maybe mentor at-risk children. Maybe I can do that now.” Clarifying his true opinions on fags, he added, “That’s kind of a mean name, don’t you think? I mean, I don’t actually know any fags, but that Ricky Martin seems like a nice enough boy.”
For her part, Shirley Phelps-Roper dreams of being a judge on American Idol. “I just want to encourage all those fag singers to…I mean, no, sorry…old habits die hard! Anyway, that Simon Cowell is a dick, right?”
Activists on both sides of the debate over homosexuality remain confused as to the purpose of the Phelps clan’s decades-long ruse, but all agree that their decision to pursue other opportunities is a net positive for the country.
A statement from a cadre of right-wing leaders released in response to the developments with the Phelps family reads, in part:
We have always condemned the Phelps family for saying all of the things we actually believe in such a clear manner, without obfuscation. We look forward to continuing our work defending the traditional family with all of our euphemisms intact, so that we may hurt gay people and their families under the guise of Christian love.
A press release from the National Organization for Marriage simply reads: “Whew!”
Evan Hurst had a slightly different take on the organization’s changes:
Well, at least the Religious Right won’t have such an easy time artificially separating themselves from the hatred they espouse. No longer will anti-gay hatemongers be able to say “No, we’re not haters, we don’t do all that mean God Hates Fags stuff!” They may have to start actually owning the untold pain and suffering they cause millions of families.
Analysts predict that it will likely take at least a thousand years and untold millions of dollars to make restitution to the myriad numbers of people affected by the Phelps’ prank.
So, do the Phelps clan actually believe that God indeed loves fags?
In response to this question, Rev. Phelps became flustered, scratched his chin and said, “God? Never heard of him.”
Betty Bowers, America’s Best Christian‚Ñ¢, gave an exclusive interview to Instinct magazine, and it’s a must-read. One thing I noticed, though, is that her satire is so spot on that, except for an exaggeration here and there, it’s hard to tell Betty’s silliness and Linda Harvey’s virulence apart. (Again, except for Betty’s obsession with high fashion. And the fact that she’s more honest than they are.) For instance:
Nevertheless, such attention provides a lovely opportunity to introduce homosexuals to my BASH [Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals] ministry. I want gay men everywhere to know that Jesus touched me. And He can touch you, too. … BASH has raised millions in tithes for my tax-free Christian ministries, helped politically marginalize homosexuals and almost cured close to two men from their addiction to penis. As all Conservative Christians who just happen to hate homosexuals anyway know, being “gay” is just a silly choice, a choice most often made by anti-gay Republicans between the hours of 10 PM and Midnight.
Brilliant.
But how is that really different from Linda Harvey’s career, or Peter LaBarbera’s career? Besides the fact that Betty Bowers is more honest about the actual results of the “ex-gay” ministries that Peter and Linda market, I mean.
Just like Peter LaBarbera and Linda Harvey, Betty bristles at being compared to Fred Phelps:
Other? You’re comparing me to Fred Phelps? Darling, that’ a bit like asking Tom Ford what he thinks about fellow designer Jessica Simpson. Honestly, I find Westboro Baptist appalling in their crude eagerness to reveal what they’re really up to. … We may hate all the same people, but we have learned to couch our loathing in more focus-group-friendly phrases than those ham-fisted prairie yokels at Westboro, with their blunt invective, polygamist-compound couture and patent unfamiliarity with hair conditioner. We talk in code. We don’t “hate fags;” we “pray for sinful homosexuals.” Frankly, these unsophisticated loudmouths are showing our hand. And politics, even more than a bathroom mirror, is no place for candor. I say: Love the sinner — hate their shoes!
God, it’s the interview Linda Harvey would give if she was hooked to a polygraph! (Except for the part about shoes.)
Seriously, read it all.
Instinct also posted Betty’s wonderful Bible lesson on “traditional marriage,” so if you haven’t seen that, watch and take notes, for there will be a quiz.
I will now liveblog video of this pastor, Wayne Sapp, who shepherds some sort of flock at the “Dove World Outreach Center,” and who says “fag” a whole bunch of times:
1. Did you know that Gainesville is the eleventh gayest city in the country! I didn’t! I figured it was more like the eleventieth! The more you know!
2. He’s using a green screen. Some of you are tech savvy. You know what to do.
3. He contacted a bunch of pastors for their support for his torch wielding mob of pantloads, to make sure no fags are ever elected to public office in Gainesville. Guess how many are helping him? Nada. So that’s good news, and also funny, because this dingbat went and made a green screen video and evurthang!
4. Fire of God!
5. All the other pastors are sissy fags? All of them need to be removed from their pulpits and replaced with paranoid pantloads!
6. Also, Islam is for fags?
7. If you don’t do things that are not in the Bible, you are anti-Bible. (???)
UPDATE: Americans United for Separation of Church and State, a religious liberty watchdog group based in Washington D.C., has asked the Internal Revenue Service to investigate the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, FL that posted a sign reading, “No Homo Mayor” on it’s property.
The Lady Margaret Srivastav nee Gallagher hath penned a piece for TownHall Dot Com, wherein she hitteth the fainting couch over liaisons of an adulterous sort! She wantest not to jaileth those who cheateth on their chattel, but would like the government please to doeth more to discourage this!
Anyway, it’s stupid, and it’s just more of Maggie Gallagher’s moralistic crap, so read it if you must, but I simply had to bring you this fabulous quote from Thers at Whiskey Fire, in reaction to the piece specifically, but more broadly in response to the entire conservative worldview which inspires hateful toads of perpetual scorn like Maggie. It has The Potty Language in it, so I put it below the fold, so if you have a problem with The Potty Language, don’t click the clicky, but this quote is really too good to hide under a bushel. First off, here’s the Gallagher phlegm to which Thers is responding:
I do not want to pin a scarlet “A” on the breast of every man or woman who has sinned. I want something much more modest. I want people who commit this moral trespass to have the decency not to attempt to profit from it in the national media.
Here’s what I’m guessing: We have some of the tools right now to stop it, if we wanted to use them. Some of the men hooking up through Web sites that advertise adultery probably live in states where adultery is still technically against the law, or where torts of criminal conversation or alienation of affection exist. An injured spouse or an aggressive state attorney general could make a case out of this.
But we could also update these older torts of adultery with new language that makes explicit that commercial enterprises that intentionally and explicitly attempt to profit from acts of adultery expose themselves to lawsuits by the injured wife and children. For that matter, why isn’t commercially soliciting for adultery as much of a crime as soliciting for prostitution?
It apparently extends all the way up to Pope Hitlerpants himself.
As Joe Sudbay said when he posted this, I’m sure Bill Donohue will be wetting his garanimals in Jon Stewart’s general direction before the evening, if he isn’t already.
More on the disgusting state of the Catholic Church directly below.
On a personal note, sorry blogging is light right now! Things are a bit crazy, but I promise I’ll catch up soon!
Because of the amazing Constance McMillen, Miss’sippi’s been all over the news lately, showing everybody their commitment to, as Wanda Sykes said, always “be on the forefront of the wrong side of history.” Well, one of Miss’sippi’s finest brains apparently got a stick in his craw about all the mean lie’bruls making fun of them, and wrote atheist science blogger P.Z. Myers a letter. I think you’ll agree it’s a true exposition of genius:
Mr. Myers:
I live in north Mississippi and the way that you and other liberals criticize small town America is deplorable. You know nothing of this town nor my state. Of course I am proud of the people in my state for standing up for what is right.
You call it “human rights” for a man to dress like a woman and act silly and for a woman to dress like a man and act like she has a pecker when she does not. Most nomral people call it sick and realize it is sin. Of course the days of 1967 may have caused permanent brain damage that the next generation inherited. This explans most liberal policies, or anti-establishment policies I call it.
Explanation for liberalism = men “acting silly” and dressing like women and women “acting like they have peckers.” Awesome. And 1967 was bad. Loving v. Virginia and whatnot. I want more of this letter:
The plain fact is this: Why can liberals not accept that a man does not wear a dress and that a woman does not wear a tuxedo and ask another woman to prom, or other engagement? Can you ot see what is wrong with that picture? Your claim to fame is that you use reason. What reason? Your reason? What about the truth? The truth and reality prevails over your “reason” Mr. Myers.
And in my version of reality, evurbody wars what thur s’posta war!
Satan is on a role in America and his minions are affecting every core element of society.
Yes, I believe he’s playing the role of Elizabeth Hasselbeck, last time I checked. Type-casting. What’s a dark lord gotta do to be a leading lady in this town?
There are those of us who have sworn an oath to destroy evil in this world and to slay Satan and his ideals which includes witchcraft, idolatry, paganism, homosexuality, etc.
Wolverines!
I’d like to take a moment to point out that that last sentence definitely does not bring to mind Magic: The Gathering or LARPing, in any way, shape or form. Absolutely not.
Homoseuality was wrong 6000 years ago after Adam sinned. It was wrong 3500 years ago when God wiped Sodom and Gomorrah from the face of the Earth for their homosexual satanic lusts.
Wait. What kind of wingnut pop-up Bible is Bubba reading, because MY fourteen Bibles seem to have about fifteen verses a-piece which all explain that the sin of Sodom was inhospitality and greed? You actually have to actively ignore most of the verses in the Bible that talk about Sodom to pretend it was about gay people. (Bible lesson from an atheist #3 if you’re counting)
The Bible predicted a day when men would see evil as good and good as evil. That day has come and those who have fulfilled this evil will be punished along with the demons who influenced these actions.
Team Edward? Team Jacob? He’s talking to both of y’all, and he’s not happy.
You, sir know nothing of the values of my culture, my heritage.
Time out! In case any of you reading are not Southern, I am, so allow me to explain that when a Southerner says “heritage,” they tend to be talking about “the good ole’ days when the nigras knew their place.” In case you didn’t know.
If you like your sodomy so much, then please set up a seperate state for it so that the sodomites can go there to be destroyed rather than bring destruction on the rest of us who do not tolerate it.
What, you mean like the blue states which subsidize Miss’sippi’s wingnut welfare existence with their abundant tax dollars? The ones where the kids are smarter and the married couples divorce less and the abortion and teen pregnancy rates are lower, and the violent crime rates are…well, you get the idea.
Oh yeah. You already have. California is a breeding ground for Satanic forces. Sodomy, prositution, gayism, witchcraft, paganism, liberalism, socialism, communism, etc all prevails there
I hope you get saved, becuase you have caused many people to go astray and turn evil. Punishment for this will not be a light entence. Being evil yourself is bad enough, but when you cause young minds to stray from God, you received 100 fold the punishment due to you.
Better luck next time. Though. Come visit us in small town Mississippi. You might learn something – like what it means to be normal.
Sincerely,
Your most famous non-admirer
I skipped so many lines, so you need to go read the whole thing. But wait, “most famous”? P.Z. says his name was “rob1,” but there are only three famous people I can think of who live in North Mississippi. (There could be more, but they’re not coming to mind.) Jerry Lee Lewis. Morgan Freeman. John Grisham. I’m having a hard time believing any of them could be “rob1,” so I’m guessing this fool is more of a “local celebrity,” a la employee of the month at the Steak ‘n’ Shake.
Oh, and you really should read P.Z.’s response to Bubba McGoo. He’s trying to be nicer these days, and I think he made a valiant effort. So click the clicky!
And Constance, I know Wanda Sykes laughed a little bit when you said you were going to move to Tennessee after college, but you’re right — once you cross that border, it’s like you’ve entered a whole new level of civilization. (As long as you aim for the big city on the other side of that border. The “Memphis” one. If you aim too far to the right, you end up in a place called Finger, which is, um, not really an improvement. No offense to any dear friends of mine who happen to have been raised in Fain-ger.)
Anyway, I’m going to go and act silly and show some ladies how to pretend they have peckers now.
