Apparently the Onion needed to weigh in on what one would think would be a no-brainer, but isn’t to some people.

Pearson fielded several questions from reporters, such as whether it is okay, when one sees a boy being raped, to wait until after lunch before contacting police, or if it is acceptable to simply inform the rapist in a firm tone that what he is doing is wrong and then leave it at that. The 10-year-old confirmed neither course of action was adequate.

Additionally, Pearson attempted to clear up any confusion as to whether an individual should contact the police even if he or she has been personally acquainted with the rapist for many years.

“We understand the delicacy of the situation when the person committing the rape is a coworker or otherwise someone you know quite well, but as 10-year-old boys with very few ways of protecting ourselves, we still have to insist that you go to the police,” Pearson said.

According to Pearson, even if one merely suspects he or she has seen a 10-year-old boy being raped, but is not absolutely certain, it is still a good idea to play it safe and allow police investigators to sort out the situation.

“Wouldn’t you be left with egg on your face if that little boy was actually being raped and you didn’t tell the police!” said Pearson, drawing a big laugh from the gathered crowd.

The nation’s 10-year-olds unanimously echoed Pearson’s sentiments, imploring people to contact police not only when they see prepubescent boys being raped, but, in fact, when they see anyone at all being raped, in any context.

[h/t Box Turtle Bulletin]

If you haven’t seen his segment on anti-bullying laws and the AFA’s view that they’re “a Trojan horse for the homosexual agenda,” you must!

Are you trapped in the heterosexual lifestyle? You can change!

[h/t Joe]

The jogger who just ran by my house, twice, needs to watch this video. Just sayin’.

His poetry might be something like this. I’m not excerpting it, because I want you to get the full effect of ChristWire’s LaBarbera poem, “Homosexuality Makes Me Howl,” for yourself.

Also, NSFW? But enjoy!

Andy Borowitz, if you’re not familiar, is a wonderful, wonderful satirist.  The problem is that his recent piece on Pat Robertson really could be true.  That’s the thing with the fundamentalists we’re always rebutting — their statements these days, many of them, really read like self-parody.

That being said, read this whole thing, and enjoy:

Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today’s broadcast of his “700 Club” program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast “to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay.”

Explaining his theory, Robertson said, “Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two.”   Additionally, he argued, God shut down major airports in the New York area “so that people who were hoping to fly to do something of a gay nature would have to take a train or a bus, so it might be days before the gay thing they were going to do could occur.

As for the millions of straight people in New York City who were also grounded by the bad weather, the televangelist said, “I think God probably wonders: If these people are really straight, then what are they doing in New York?”

Indeed!

It’s just offensive:

PLANS to build a state-of-the-art library next to Republican catastrophe Sarah Palin are causing outrage across mainstream America.

Campaigners have described the project as insensitive and a deliberate act of provocation by people with brains.

The issue is forming a dividing line in advance of November’s mid-term congressional elections with candidates being forced to declare whether they have ever been to a library or spoken to someone who has books in their home.

Meanwhile President Obama has caused unease within his own Democratic party by endorsing the library and claiming that not everyone who reads books is responsible for calling Mrs Palin a fuckwit nutjob nightmare of a human being.

Genius.  Read it all.

[h/t watertiger]

We knew Homocon was going to be an amazing shame party, and luckily Tintin at Sadly, No! has uncovered the itinerary so we all know what it is to look forward to at this gathering of the homosexual wingnuts:

Yes, it’s that awesome.

TOPEKA — In a stunning about face, the Westboro Baptist Church announced today that their decades long campaign against gays, soldiers, Jews, Catholics, American flags, joy, and Lady Gaga was all an elaborate prank. “We were just fooling!,” said Shirley Phelps-Roper, daughter of Fred Phelps and frequent spokesperson for the group. Phelps-Roper added “Psych!” and did a little dance.

The about face came as a surprise to gay activists and anti-gay leaders alike.

Linda Harvey, of the anti-gay MissionAmerica, reached for comment on Thursday, said “Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on! I’ve been marketing a watered down version of…a prank?” Evan Hurst of gay rights organization Truth Wins Out was more measured in his reaction. “Really? That’s sort of LOL, now that I think about it,” said Hurst, dryly.

For the Phelps clan this coming out party is a blessing on many fronts. The patriarch of the clan, Reverend Fred Phelps, heaved a sigh of relief and said that coming clean will offer him an opportunity to make the last fifth of his life count. “I’ve always wanted to join the Peace Corps, or maybe mentor at-risk children. Maybe I can do that now.” Clarifying his true opinions on fags, he added, “That’s kind of a mean name, don’t you think? I mean, I don’t actually know any fags, but that Ricky Martin seems like a nice enough boy.”

For her part, Shirley Phelps-Roper dreams of being a judge on American Idol. “I just want to encourage all those fag singers to…I mean, no, sorry…old habits die hard! Anyway, that Simon Cowell is a dick, right?”

Activists on both sides of the debate over homosexuality remain confused as to the purpose of the Phelps clan’s decades-long ruse, but all agree that their decision to pursue other opportunities is a net positive for the country.

A statement from a cadre of right-wing leaders released in response to the developments with the Phelps family reads, in part:

We have always condemned the Phelps family for saying all of the things we actually believe in such a clear manner, without obfuscation. We look forward to continuing our work defending the traditional family with all of our euphemisms intact, so that we may hurt gay people and their families under the guise of Christian love.

A press release from the National Organization for Marriage simply reads: “Whew!”

Evan Hurst had a slightly different take on the organization’s changes:

Well, at least the Religious Right won’t have such an easy time artificially separating themselves from the hatred they espouse. No longer will anti-gay hatemongers be able to say “No, we’re not haters, we don’t do all that mean God Hates Fags stuff!” They may have to start actually owning the untold pain and suffering they cause millions of families.

Analysts predict that it will likely take at least a thousand years and untold millions of dollars to make restitution to the myriad numbers of people affected by the Phelps’ prank.

So, do the Phelps clan actually believe that God indeed loves fags?

In response to this question, Rev. Phelps became flustered, scratched his chin and said, “God? Never heard of him.”

This isn’t so bad!

Surprisingly, Tim Tebow doesn’t burst into tears at all!

And, I mean, how can you argue with the crunchy tasty goodness of Doritos?

(h/t TBogg)